People Can't Keep Their Cool In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories

“I (35M) have been married to my wife (34F) for more than ten years. My mom originally got along okay with my wife, but over the years their relationship has deteriorated. There was never any big incident or blowup, just my wife slowly distancing herself. My mom didn’t seem to mind too much as long as I kept in touch. I call her every week to check in and say hello, and visit a few times a year (she lives about 5 hours driving distance away).

Last year, my wife became pregnant with our first child.

My mom was extremely excited, as she loves babies. She’s also a single mom and I’m her only son, so this is her first (and possibly only) grandchild. However, I think the excitement of being a grandma soon made her a little crazy. She started exhibiting pushier behavior towards my wife, demanding that she reply to frequent text messages and social media posts, asking invasive questions about the pregnancy and birth plan, and overall making my wife uncomfortable.

When I asked her to back off a little and respect my space, she became extremely angry, swearing at both of us. She then gave us the cold shoulder and asked her partner to call me and tell me we were cut off.

After our daughter was born at the end of last year, she reached out to apologize, told me she loved me, and asked to meet the baby. A few weeks later, we invited her over. She didn’t acknowledge her past behavior except to remind me that I had really hurt her feelings. When I reminded her she had similarly acted harmfully towards me, she quickly changed the subject. The visit was short, just a few awkward hours, and no further discussion was had.

She’s recently been asking me if she can visit more often, as she’s retiring later this year and will have more free time. She keeps saying that “the baby needs to know me because I’m your mom.” My mom would like to visit two or three times per month moving forward (the baby is now a few months old).

After discussing with my wife and taking into account her feelings of discomfort, I would like to limit her to visiting quarterly (once every 3 months or so). WIBTJ for doing so?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ and honestly, I don’t think you should allow any visits until your mom realizes how harmful and invasive, or at the very least disrespectful, her behavior was. Especially to your wife – the person who was going through this medical event. You cannot rug-sweep this or it will never improve. She is behaving now but will most definitely backslide.” friendlily

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her visits should be based on the time at hand. Call and ask if you have the time and we’ll check our schedule every time from here on out.

You may only have that time available every few months and give her the green light. But she should always have to ask and not on any given schedule that could be held over you if you can’t accommodate.” Potential-Power7485

Another User Comments:
“I don’t have to put up with your mom, so it’s hard to tell. But I would think once every month or two, for probably no more than 2 nights, would be appropriate. But I wouldn’t make the call; your wife should call to give the invitation. And maybe make it clear to your mom that the more pleasant she is with your wife, the more likely she is to get invited more often.

Well, I take back the once every month or two for now. Make it 4 times a year and let her earn more. YWNTBJ” SpruceGoose133

“I’ve been friends with Shannon (fake name) since high school, and I consider her one of my closest friends. During high school, she was quite religious, to the point that she subtly left our friend group when some of our mutual friends came out. (We don’t know for sure if this is the reason, but she doesn’t contact the “queer” friends anymore).

I never came out in high school, but started seeing one of said “queer friends” during university. Shannon has not contacted her since this falling out in high school and had previously bombarded her with persistent religious texts (she also did it to me but to a lesser extent).

I’ve avoided even mentioning her name to prevent any awkwardness.

During university, Shannon and I would text or call from time to time, and hang out a couple of times each year. I like hanging out with her, and we have a lot to talk about, but I find myself avoiding anything that would give away the fact that I’m gay. This bothers me, as being gay is an important part of my identity, and I think she’ll find out eventually anyway.

I’ve been considering ripping the band-aid off and sending her a long text, something along the lines of “I treasure you as a friend, but I really need you to accept who I am for us to continue this friendship,” but I don’t know if she has changed her views since high school (she appeared to be less focused on her religious values based on our recent conversations), and I’d feel bad for giving her an ultimatum like this.

Partly because I don’t want to lose our friendship, and also because I was the one she talked to when she was in a bad place, and I wouldn’t want to leave her with no support system. Also, she never explicitly said anything homophobic; this is all based on assumptions my friend group has made in private. I don’t really know where she stands on this issue.

I really want to keep this friendship, but I don’t think I will be able to hide my sexuality forever. Is there a better way maybe to subtly come out and “test the waters”? And WIBTJ if I keep avoiding the issue in order to continue this friendship?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ if you don’t tell her, but why, in the name of all that is sane and rational, would you want to keep someone as a friend who’s like that?

Honestly, I’d just tell her with the caveat that ‘If you can’t deal with that or if you’re going to be a problem to me, we’re done because I don’t need you in my life like that.’ You have good friends in your life who won’t be crappy to you just because you prefer what you prefer.” neophenx

Another User Comments:
“No judgment, but I think you’re overthinking and overplanning the whole thing, all based on an assumption about her current attitudes that might be wrong anyway. How and if you tell her is up to you, but I don’t think the ultimatum is the best way to go, because it implies you’ve already judged her.

I believe you should tell her, and just do it without hinting at any consequences if she doesn’t accept it. A good way to tell her would be to let her know about your partner. Then, it is up to her whether she wants to accept you or not. And I wouldn’t worry for a second about causing her to lose her “support system” should she decide she can’t be friends with you. That would be entirely on her. Good luck!” SnooBooks007

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you deserve to make an informed choice about whether you want to be friends with someone who may or may not be homophobic.

I wonder if you casually asked her what happened with her friendships with the other girls in your friend group to see if she mentions anything about them being queer? Just as a way of sussing her out before opening yourself up to that potential judgment?” WaterExpert1993

“After their mom passed away, my wife and her older sister grew apart. It was most likely due to her sister, who had a problem with the way my wife was grieving for their mom; for instance, she told my wife not to cry in front of family members or to talk about their mom with them. Her own grieving was probably causing her to withdraw and expecting my wife to do the same. They had very little contact with each other because of this.

It’s been a decade since their mom’s death, and her sister attended a family event that my wife and I hosted.

She came to make amends with her and to apologize for her past behavior, and my wife has forgiven her for it. From my perspective, she hasn’t made any amends. She refuses to attend any family functions, even when my wife begs her to come. She gives childish reasons, like she’ll only attend if my wife is hosting. I can see that it’s hurting my wife. So, I told my wife that she probably doesn’t love her or her family because why would she promise to make amends without putting in the work? And to expect my wife to put in the labor to host family functions so that she can attend is disrespectful to both my wife and me.

My sweet wife still believes there is good in her sister and defends her.

And she only invites her sister to make her feel welcome; she doesn’t really have to attend them. I’ve been told that her sister has some degree of hostility toward their family because of what she heard them say about their mom. It seems that some of them were happy that their mom died. That’s a rough thing to hear, but at this point, she is indirectly aiming her hostility at my wife, who has a healthy relationship with their family. I told my wife that her sister is a jerk for dumping that past information on her and expecting my wife to make amends for her, but my wife doesn’t see that and keeps arguing with me whenever the topic arises. To her, I’m being the jerk when I’m only trying to protect her well-being. AITJ here?”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ Your POV is unimportant. Why would you be so mean to your wife? You should never presume to know another person’s emotions, especially when they’ve experienced trauma. Your wife is willing to love her sister the way she is. You don’t have to understand. You don’t have to like it. You just need to let her have the relationship she wants with her sister and support her. If you don’t have something kind to say, then remain silent. Give your wife a hug and tell her you love her.

The world has enough negativity. You don’t need to put that on your wife.” lilolememe

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re making a lot of assumptions and guesses about what another person is thinking – and then acting on them as if it’s factual – when it’s just your own imagination at work. The world is full of different people, with different life experiences than yours – not everyone is a clone of you and must behave as YOU would in any given situation. Her version of making amends may only be that she is no longer holding a grudge; it does NOT mean that she must suddenly become besties with these people and attend every function they have.

Lack of interaction does not mean that she does not like/love someone – it only means that she didn’t join that event.” TrainingDearest

Another User Comments:
“YTJ… Your wife loves her sister and the extended family. The sister loves your wife, but not the extended family. It is not your, or your wife’s, job to repair the bigger family. If the sister shows up to events that you host but not to anyone else’s events, that shows that she DOES love your wife. Even though she doesn’t care for the rest of the family, she still shows up at your house… Your wife has to deal with the rest of the family on her own.

You should be helping her there, not just telling her that her sister would come if she loved her…” ShadowTheGSP

“I (28f) have recently been on a fitness and weight loss journey. I gained a lot of weight over the last two years, and I’ve been trying to change my lifestyle—not only to lose weight but also to fill my life with things that I enjoy and that keep me active. I’ve been doing really well so far! I lost 15 pounds in a month (I’m doctor monitored, so don’t worry too much about my health). I’ve been working out every day, walking every day, and recently I subscribed to this fantasy fitness “Valkyrie” training online that I do with my little brother five days a week.

The “training” is only about 15 minutes long, but they love it and I’m having a lot of fun with it. In month 3, we’re going to incorporate fake swords.

Well, I’ve always wanted to dance. I’m not tragically bad, but I have no innate talent, and I’ve always wanted to do a Heels class. I’ve got ideas for choreography, and it would be so fun; I’d love to do it for real. I brought this to my husband recently, and he flat-out said no. He’s concerned about money, which I understand, but we’re taken care of. I make sure of it.

I take care of all our bills while he’s in school, and I make decent money. I’m in a commission role, so it’s not always guaranteed exactly, but I work for a good company, so it’s not like I’m getting scraps and my base salary is solid.

The classes don’t require a contract, so even if I do them for a while and end up realizing it’s not affordable later, I can stop going. If he were the one coming to me trying to pay for something he was passionate about, I’d try to make it work. $100 a month is not a low fee, but it’s the going rate for this in my area.

That said, I am a very low-maintenance person. I do my own hair and nails, I don’t really buy clothes often, and I never eat out (especially since I’m dieting now). I really don’t spend money on much, so I feel like I can swing $100 for dance classes.

WIBTJ if I said that I understood why he was worried, but that I’m going to do it anyway?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Girl, take those classes! They sound like something that will be so good for your confidence, your mental health, and your independence. Doing things for enjoyment as adults is one of the best things we can do for ourselves, and I love this for you.

I’d also look into changing the way you handle finances with your husband. Some money for you to do what you want, some for him, and some for shared expenses. Letting him have input in every single thing you spend on is way too much control over your life.” beth_hazel_thyme

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you earn the money and nobody is starving and you have some margin if something unexpected happens, why not? The easiest way to remedy his opinion might be to show him the budget. If the $100 isn’t an impediment to your budget and you’re not risking food or shelter over it, do it. I’ve long been super frugal, and the older I get, the more I realize that you have to feed your artistic/creative side too.

If you can safely do so, do it.” kuken_i_fittan

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re the breadwinner. You’re the one paying the bills while he’s in school. You don’t even go to the salon—just to save up. Girl, just go and have fun. And don’t stop at the dance classes. Make sure you spoil yourself with a mani-pedi and a hair day as well. The nerve of this guy… If he’s that worried about money, he can always get a night-shift job. He doesn’t have to leech off his wife.” iamthatiam92

“Let me just start with this: I love my wife, I love talking to her. Just not on my drive home. I’m an insurance monkey at a clinic, so I’m dealing with patients all day, every day, and talking on the phone, etc. I’m naturally an introvert, and my happy place is being completely alone in an empty room in complete silence. So every day at work I have to pretend to be cheery and outgoing and pretend that I enjoy the company of other human beings.

Spoilers: I do not. She’s been laid off from UPS for the last couple of weeks.

Since our child is at school all day, she’s home by herself all day. So I understand her need to talk to someone. But at the end of the day, I do not want to. I have a 40-minute drive home. Eighty percent of the time, I do so in complete silence. For the other 20%, I load up a quiet podcast.

Lately, she’s been calling me minutes after I get off work. I get done at 3 PM, and my phone rings at 3:01. I don’t feel like I have any time to decompress at all. I feel like there’s a spring inside me that’s wound up and ready to go, but it can never go off.

As soon as I get home, it’s time to do the cooking, play with our child, and help her with whichever project of the day she has started. (She’s started lots these past couple of weeks.) Half the time, I don’t actually sit down until around 9:30–10, and bedtime for me is 10:30.

She’s not enjoying being laid off, and I’m getting extra hours after work and on weekends to cover the bills. I get that. I’m even happy to do all the things with her and our child after work. All I want is my 40-minute drive to happen in peace. When I asked her not to bother me on my drive home because I just wanted some quiet, she reacted poorly.

She got upset that, since I’m working around 60 hours every week right now to cover the loss of her income, we don’t spend as much time together, and she just wants to talk. I understand that, but I just don’t want to talk to anyone after I’ve been talking to patients and insurance companies all day and night.

AITJ for just asking for some quiet?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ for needing some time to be a human being while transitioning from one overwhelming set of responsibilities to another. I sympathize with your wife, but she’s not sympathizing with you & unless there’s an emergency or something needs to be picked up on the way home, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for 40 minutes to exist in your own space & collect yourself, especially if it’s an important element to you maintaining your mental health, which impacts your ability to be a good husband & father.” sumaCamus

Another User Comments:
“Everyone needs to separate work from home, and silence on your drive home is how you do that.

You’ll be more present and be able to more fully engage with your wife and child if you’re given those 40 minutes to decompress. Explain to your wife that you’ll both be happier if you have that decompression before you get home. If she refuses, maybe look at couples counseling. Push comes to shove, you can silence your phone and put it away once you get off work. If you stop answering, then she might stop trying. She probably won’t be happy about it, but frankly, you need that 40 minutes of silence more than she needs 40 minutes of chatter. NTJ.” CJ_Boiss

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You definitely deserve time to decompress after work.

But with working 60 hours a week, a 40-minute commute each way, and a child at home, when are you and your wife getting quality time together? She’s telling you that she’s not getting quality time with you and it’s affecting your relationship. Again, you’re entitled to some time to yourself, but you also need to talk with your wife and put together a plan on how you’ll fit time together into your schedule. It’ll be hard, but it’s not something you can ignore and expect to not have negative consequences in your relationship.” [deleted]

“I (M38) have three older sisters, Sara (F42), Lyla (F45), and Laura (F48). Due to age differences, we were not very close while growing up. Nowadays, we’re not best friends but aren’t hostile towards each other. All my sisters have kids (Sara has two, Lyla has three, and Laura has three), but for simplicity’s sake, we will only name Diane (F17); she is the middle daughter of Lyla. When I was a kid, I was very overweight, which, of course, was the center of the pranks and name-calling I received from my sisters.

I won’t victimize myself; I was also horrible to them, and I didn’t resent them for it.

Now, to the problem: Diane stands out from the niblings because she is the only one with weight problems. She isn’t as overweight as I was, but it’s very noticeable. Since I’m still working on losing weight, I empathize with her a lot. Diane gets a lot of mistreatment because of her weight, and of course, we stop it when we see it and have talked to the other niblings to stop this behavior. However, it keeps happening behind our backs. Anyway, this has happened for years now.

At our New Year family gathering, we have a tradition of exchanging letters, basically just wishing everyone good things for the new year.

However, one of Laura’s sons gave Diane a joke letter saying something along the lines of: “Hope this year you lose weight rather than gain it.” Clearly, she was hurt but didn’t say anything. They scolded Laura’s son, but by then some people had laughed, and it felt more like a slap on the wrist to save face than an actual scolding.

This infuriated me. Diane will turn 18 soon, and I have some money saved up, so I figured I’d go all the way and give her a car and a vacation for her and her best friend. In the interest of honesty, I’m doing this out of spite for the rest of the niblings, to whom I’d only gift some money and a car for their birthdays.

My parents found out about this and told my sisters, who are urging me to think about it and instead give them all the same amount of money. But screw that; I’m ready for the consequences. If I do it, WIBTJ?”

Another User Comments:
“Maybe consider if that’ll actually be helpful? Such an extravagant difference in the gifts you give may only increase hostilities and make things worse in the long run. Not saying you shouldn’t do whatever you want, but coming at it from a place of screwing the consequences doesn’t help your niece. Might I suggest smaller gifts and a long actually heartfelt letter? If I were in her shoes (and if we count being a teenage girl once as having been in her shoes, I was), having something tangible to directly counter the offense and show I’ve got someone on my side would be more helpful than a vacation for my siblings to be jealous of.” [deleted]

“I (25F) have an older sister and brother. My sister is married, and she has a son, my nephew, who is 16 months old, and she lives with her husband. My brother lives in their spare room as he cannot afford to rent privately and is struggling to get a mortgage, so he pays them £300.00 a month, bills included.

Two days ago, I arranged for my siblings, BIL, and nephew to visit. The last time I saw them was two weeks ago, and although the house was in the same condition, I finally decided to bring up my concerns about its state.

I do understand that parenting is hard. I know my BIL works full-time, and my sister works part-time. I also accept that I am in a completely different situation as I live on my own in my apartment, and I have chosen a child-free life. I would appreciate it if you could tell me if I am an AITJ for this. I do not think I am, but seeing it from another perspective would be useful.

The house is not dirty in a hoarder style, but it is very disorganized. There are clothes all over the hallway and in the lounge. The kitchen counter is very dirty. In one of their cupboards where they store their plates, there is mold on the back.

There is stuff all over the kitchen units, including sharp knives that I fear my nephew could easily reach. They have two cats, and where they feed them there are cat food stains, like where juice has come from the packet. The area does not look as if it has been cleaned for a couple of months. My brother-in-law smokes, but he is trying to quit since he has had his child. He does not chuck the packets away and keeps them in a tin on a shelf. I saw loose substances on the floor.

I could go into much more, but I am running out of room. I did speak to my sister and BIL, voiced my concerns and offered to help clean up, but I am busy with work and volunteering; I do not have a day to myself.

My BIL and sister started having a go at me and told me to get the heck out of their house. I tried seeing if they were all right and tried to explain why I brought up my concerns, but they will not reply to my messages.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s not your home, it’s not your place. You made them defensive by immediately pointing out the flaws in their home–which I guarantee you they see. They both work, they are supporting your brother, and they have a newborn child; their lives are far busier than even yours with your work and volunteering. It’s one thing to ask your sister privately if they need any help with everything going on, and it’s another to tell them their house is disgusting.” Proper-Scallion-252

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

They are probably overwhelmed enough without your judgments. It is interesting, though, that you do not mention your brother and his part in this mess. Why is recruiting him to help them with household chores not an option? He’s not the one who has his hands full with a kid, and he only works part-time. What is he doing the rest of the time? Contributing to the mess? But you do not judge him?” Content-Plenty-268

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It is concerning that there are health hazards to the baby, but being a parent is hard. Especially if you still have your own issues to work out. They are probably doing the best they can in their current circumstances.

If you are the one who has a problem with it, you should be the one taking action to change the situation. It is really easy to judge people for not taking the right steps when looking from the outside. But if you are not willing to help them out because you are ‘too busy,’ then imagine yourself in their shoes. They both have jobs and have to raise a kid in this wreck of an economy.” Leafy_Lady11

“My wife suggested I write on here since we’re on opposite sides of the fence on this one. My wife and I were staying with my sister and her wife for a few days while we were in town. We usually get along okay, so I thought it would be fine.

One night, after my sister had gone to bed, my wife, my SIL, and I were all talking, and I thought it would be funny to prank my sister by scaring her. My SIL told me not to disturb my sister, but I still thought it would be funny.

My sister could go right back to sleep, and it would be a good ongoing joke between the four of us. I put on one of my sister’s robes, stood over her bed, and started shaking her. My sister woke up and started freaking out. I expected her to stop freaking out after she saw that it was me, but she didn’t. Her wife ran in the room and told me to go downstairs. My wife was upset and told me that I shouldn’t have done that.

When my SIL came out of their room, my wife apologized and said that she wasn’t in on the joke, completely throwing me under the bus.

I told my SIL that I didn’t intend to make my sister upset; I just thought it would be funny and didn’t understand why it was such a big deal. My SIL told me that my sister was just “dealing with stuff from the past.” I tried to find out what my SIL was referring to, but she wouldn’t tell me. My wife kept telling me to apologize, but I didn’t have any ill intent, so I don’t see the need to. I tried asking my sister why she freaked out over a prank, but she just said that I scared her.

We avoided talking about the prank, and the rest of the trip was a little awkward.

My wife still insists that I was a jerk, but I don’t see it. I wasn’t trying to harm anyone, and if I knew my sister would act like that, I wouldn’t have pranked her. I also don’t think it’s fair to want me to apologize for something as innocent as a prank because my sister is “dealing with stuff.” It is especially frustrating if I don’t know what the stuff she’s dealing with is about. I think this whole thing has been blown out of proportion.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your SIL told you not to do it, but you did it anyway.

Okay, fine, you thought it would be a harmless prank. But it didn’t end up being a harmless prank, and then you refused to apologize—that makes you a bigger jerk. You claim you don’t need to apologize because your intention was not bad. But your intention does not matter at all; how your actions were received by the affected person is all that matters. If you accidentally spilled something on someone, and it was a complete accident without ill intent, wouldn’t you still apologize because you caused some harm? YTJ.” Intelligent-Bee-5729

Another User Comments:
“Can you really not read between those lines? Your sister is “dealing with stuff” from the past, you were specifically told NOT to wake her up to scare her, SIL and wife tip-toeing around reasoning, and when you did it, she was in pure terror panic mode from seeing someone standing over her to the point that she couldn’t register that it was her brother… It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to connect those dots.” CMR7X

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

Geez, dude. It obviously didn’t feel like a prank to her. There are things other people go through that you aren’t privy to. Even if you’re close with your sibling, there may be battles that you don’t know she’s fighting. So when your SIL tells you that she’s just dealing with things from her past, that’s a pretty good indicator that she might have experienced something traumatic to cause her reaction. Also, YTJ for not just outright apologizing. She was visibly upset even if there was no intent to cause that kind of reaction. If you run someone over by accident, would you not apologize since you did not intend to hit them with your car? Man, toughen up.” NukkaTella

“I (20M) moved to another city for university, and since getting a job my mother (43F) has been hinting at me assisting her financially. Every time we talk, she attempts to guilt-trip me into sending her whatever money I have. This has happened with increasing frequency since my sister (19F) decided to leave education, and I know for a fact she will not get a job to help our mother despite still living with her and our brother (11M). I only work part-time because my classes resume soon, and the money I am currently earning is only enough to pay my bills.

However, I hope to transfer internally to my place of work when my classes start so I will be working fewer days but longer hours, earning more money, plus student grants for rent.

Repeatedly, my mother will inform me of how she and my siblings are barely getting by because my sister is no longer at school, and she is no longer receiving money for my sister being in full-time education.

I do want to help, but at the same time, I don’t, for two main reasons: Firstly, I know once I start sending her money it will never stop without massive arguments ensuing, and secondly I know the money won’t go on helping their living costs. I know this because my mother has an addiction to online shopping, primarily on Amazon. At least twice a month, I see an Amazon delivery en route to their house, then a few days later I get a call asking for some cash for cat food or petrol.

Because of this, I never knew any such thing as disposable income growing up, and now that I am able to have some fun with my friends now that I live away from my family without it being held over my head, I want nothing more than to do so and begin living my life. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your priority is yourself at university. My mom had the same issue and, surprise, took care of her after getting my MAs and through most of my doctoral work. It’s hard. My mom also had a shopping addiction. If anything, I would ONLY send perhaps grocery store cards. As mentioned, you need to focus on you and school.” lmmontes

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, offer to help mother and sister look for jobs because they can’t rely on you to support them.

Put yourself on a budget and offer to sit down with them and do the same (financially and responsibly they are children). Don’t ever start because it won’t end, but if they don’t get jobs, expect a fairly regular catastrophe like a broken car or getting kicked out of the house.” TheFireOfPrometheus

“I (25F) and my friend Luke (26M) were relaxing by the pool when Luke suddenly decided he wanted to try to swim. For context, Luke cannot swim. He has always had a fear of swimming, which is not a big deal as everyone has their fear of something. So, he usually just puts his feet in the water or relaxes on the pool chair. I was surprised but excited for him and told him to go for it!

He suddenly makes his way to the diving board and plans to start at the deep end (10 ft). I told him to wait and that it would be better to start at the shallow end by walking into the pool to get comfortable first.

He said he just wanted to “be a man” and go for it and get it over with as quickly as possible, and I could help him. I told him flat out, “I’m not helping you if you jump and if you jump, you’ll drown,” to which he just stared at me in silence. I then said, “A lot of people who cannot swim panic when they cannot get back up, and people who help them usually end up drowning too because they are being pushed down by the person panicking.” He said, “It’s freaking water; I’ll float.” I told him, “You’re not a freaking ice cube. I physically can’t help you.” We went back and forth with different options (floating devices, etc.) but he refused. I think it was because of his ego.

For more context, I’m 5’4 and 135 lbs, and he’s 5’8 and 330 lbs. I physically could not help him even if I wanted to. I told him, “I’m not gonna bet my chances on whether I can help you or not at the risk of my own life just because you’re stubborn. I value my life more.” He said I was fat-shaming him because I wouldn’t even attempt to help and judged the outcome of events based on his size.

He told me I needed to look into my fat phobia and work on my personality because it’s gross and I’m a jerk of a friend. He left, and my jaw was still on the floor.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ What you said is completely accurate. Even with training and floatation equipment, you have to be careful when approaching a drowning person because they will try to climb you, sometimes with unbelievable strength. Not to mention, it’s just dumb to intentionally risk a drowning incident. If you can’t swim, you don’t go into deep water that will require you to swim. That’s not even a matter of common sense, it’s just survival instinct and self-preservation.” JustheBean

Another User Comments:
“You were clearly not saying you value your life more than his, you were saying there’s no point in both of you drowning because of his reckless behavior – his “Why aren’t you prepared to risk your life when I risk mine?” kind of nonsense.

And even if you were prioritizing your life over his, then so what? Self-preservation is a good thing. Well done for getting him away from the pool. NTJ.” Ma-Hu

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s making assumptions about what you’re saying. A person who is drowning and in a panic is always a risk to anyone trying to rescue them, no matter the relative size. Try telling your friend that the conversation has nothing to do with relative size. It’s about caring about them and not wanting either of you to drown.” Plus_Wave5090

“I (28, F) am getting married later this year. It is a very spur-of-the-moment wedding; my fiancé proposed 2 weeks ago, and we have decided to get married in December. Due to this being very last-minute, we do not have a lot of time to gather a big budget or look through multiple venues. My fiancé and I would also prefer a small, intimate wedding with just our close ones.

We have finalized a destination wedding in a small venue that’s about 4 hours’ drive away from our city. We will be there for 3 days, and my fiancé and I will be paying for the travel, stay, food, and hair/makeup for everyone.

The resort can only host about 70 guests, so we decided not to give the option of bringing plus ones to our friends.

My best friend (27, F) of 20 years has been with a partner, R, for the last 3 years, but I’ve never met him because they live in a different city. They are in a ‘serious’ relationship. I was discussing some lodging plans with my friend for the resort and told her the two of us would be sharing the bridal suite. She asked where R would be staying, and I told her he was not invited as we did not have enough rooms. She got upset because all other ‘couples’ are allowed, as she was referring to our aunts/uncles, parents, etc.

Basically, the married couples in our families. I reminded her that those couples are family and none of our friends are bringing plus ones, but she accused me of creating this rule just because I don’t like R. It is true that I don’t like him, and even if the logistics were in our favor, I would still not want him at my wedding, but right now, it truly is a lack of space issue.

She said if he is not invited, then she would consider that she is not invited either, and I should decide whether I want her there or not. I just shrugged and told her there really isn’t anything I can do in this situation.

She is now going on about how I’m making her choose between me and R and threatening to uninvite her from my wedding if I don’t get my way.

AITJ here?”

Another User Comments:
“Your future hubby phoned her up and told her he can come, but she will still have to share a room with you; that still wasn’t good enough. So I personally would uninvite her. The wedding is not about her; it is about you and your future hubby. If she can’t spend one night apart from her partner, then does she really want to come to your wedding? She is making it about her and making it more stressful.

She has already got you to change your mind and invite him when that spot could have gone to someone whom you love and actually like and want at your wedding. Now she wants a room because your family has a room together. For crying out loud, she’s a guest; she’s not family. Uninvite her; she deserves it. She’s not acting like your best friend; she’s not actually acting like a friend. All she is doing is acting like an entitled brat.” CandThonestpartners

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this is the problem with a small wedding, you’ll have to leave people out. Unfortunately, you might have burned a friendship, and if you invited others with unmarried partners, be prepared for the same reaction.

But holy heck, I’m mostly just stunned that you’re going to pay for travel, stay, food, hair/makeup at a resort for up to 70 guests. This will be some wedding. Lol” BabycakesMurphy

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wedding, your rules. If she doesn’t want to go, let her stay home. It’s your day, and it’s literally not about her. She can stomp and whine like a baby elsewhere. When you get invited and go to a wedding, it’s to celebrate a couple show support, and be witnessed to a sacred union as a friend. That’s more important than that, I want my partner to come too!

She’s selfish. Uninvite her totally at this point. You don’t need that kind of stress or drama.” kris_Ml33

“I have a permanently remote coworker who historically is pretty bad about getting their work done on time. My manager and their manager know, but nothing has happened for generic office reasons. Recently, a project task was assigned on Monday 7/31. The typical turnaround for other people on their team is about 3–5 business days.  I sent a second follow-up on Monday 8/7, receiving a simple response saying they were working on it. I sent a third follow-up on Thursday 8/10 and got no response at all.

This morning at a meeting with our division head, all our current projects were being reviewed.

And because this one task was held up, everything downstream was showing as behind schedule or incomplete. It was a general meeting on all projects, but our division head made a special note of my project and asked me to try to get it back on schedule and to feel free to ask the rest of the team to prioritize this.

I took this as an opportunity to write a very stern e-mail to this remote coworker and cc the division head, my manager, and their manager to make it clear that their one task is holding up this entire project. I quickly got an angry e-mail stating that my insensitivity to their situation was causing them emotional distress and that I had been “harassing” them to prioritize work when their “community had gone up in flames.”

My division head wrote back, seemingly took their side, apologized for my “insensitivity,” and said that they would speak to me and my manager directly.

They also threw in all sorts of offers of support and condolence, etc.

I did not know this coworker was in Hawaii. It was pointed out that on our division-wide chat someone had shared about this last week, but I didn’t read the message. I often skim over non-work-related chit chat. Also, as of last week, this coworker had not actually lost their home or property to fires, but I guess they live on the same island. Now I have a one-on-one scheduled with my manager and division head for tomorrow. What the heck is going on here?

So, AITJ for asking my coworker who happens to be in Hawaii to do their job?”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

It would have been very simple to handle this differently and better. Instead of writing “a very stern” email and copying everyone and their mom on said email, shoot a quick message to the coworker asking why she was held up. Having all the info before you involve upper management is always the smart way to go.” myshellly

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You could have saved yourself embarrassment and your coworker a lot of unnecessary stress if you’d reached out to them before sending that email. Your coworker may not have lost property but it’s very possible they lost someone close to them. So many people are still missing. Basic services are spotty at best.

Expecting someone to carry on as usual now is ridiculous.” Bethsmom05

Another User Comments:
“YTJ only because I find it kind of weird you didn’t realize that your coworker is in a wildly different time zone than you. And… you haven’t noticed for the past, how long now? I don’t know, this seems made up. How do you not know your coworker is operating up to 6 hours behind you?” Z0ooool

“I (46M) have 3 kids, 26F, 25M, and 23F. My youngest was recently very injured in an accident and has been living at home recovering ever since. Her siblings came into town to see her this weekend.

Her sister walked in the door off her flight from across the country, yelling at someone on the phone. When she hung up, she almost immediately started crying. It took about ten minutes for us to find out that her loving partner of 6 years had actually been a jerk behind the scenes, yet she refused to leave him. They’re even engaged.

My son has been battling an addiction for most of his adult life.

We do our best to help him, but he’s not getting much better. I didn’t realize that I had done such a bad job at parenting until all three of them were in one room in various states of being broken. Both the girls seemed happy and successful. They’re creative, smart, and kind. I don’t know where they got so off track.

But that isn’t all. A few of my youngest’s friends were there to be with her too. They saw all of this realization and the mess that is our family. My oldest crying on the floor, my son was intoxicated despite us begging him to be sober for one night, and my youngest was unable to dress her own wounds or eat without a tube.

That’s when we got into the fight.

We’ll call her friend K. K is a very close friend, almost like the older brother she never had. I guess he thought he was calling me out because, in front of everyone, he started rattling off how badly I had messed up my kids. He spoke for them like he knew what they wanted.

I retaliated and got into a fight with this kid. We argued back and forth for a while before I threw all of her friends out of the house. When she woke up without any of them there, she got upset. Her sister filled her in on what happened (with a very heavy attitude, I might add) and now she’s mad at me along with all her friends.

She says it wasn’t my choice to kick them out and is now not talking to me even though she needs help doing everything. I understand that she’s mad, but she’s living in my home. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ It was your decision to kick them out as it’s your house. Your daughter’s fiancé being a jerk isn’t your fault; people in an abusive relationship find it difficult to leave no matter how much support you offer. Not to mention you literally didn’t know until she came in and cried. Your daughter getting into an accident isn’t your fault. Your son struggling with an addiction, which is really hard to kick, isn’t your fault.

K had no right to go off on you about your kids. You could be the best parent ever, but your kids could still end up having problems.” Gumgums66

Another User Comments:
“NTJ It absolutely was your right to make the choice to kick them out of your home. Your adult children’s current situations are not your fault; you can only guide them so far, and you are clearly trying to help them as best you can. Your oldest daughter is actively choosing to stay with someone awful. Your son refuses to get help. Your youngest daughter was in an accident beyond your control. You don’t need to take insults from some jerks in your home.” Deucalion666

Another User Comments:
“I don’t know how it got to a point that K felt the need to berate you for your adult kids’ poor life choices.

Did he just see the condition all of them were in and start blaming you, or was there anything else that happened in between? Either way, it’s pretty silly of K to put all the blame on you. Your kids are adults; you can only guide them, however much you wish you could whip some sense into them. Sounds like seeing all your children in various states of distress was overwhelming for you. You need to look after yourself too, OP. NTJ” Timely_Zombie4153

“For context I |23F| and my best friend, who we will call Jack |24M|, have been friends for 3 years. In early May, just after the health crisis, when we returned to school, I had to take two and a half years off due to leukemia. I can say I had been sent lots of support from my family and school, including Jack, who sent me presents and came to visit in the hospital when I had developed infections and was undergoing chemotherapy.

Well, two months ago in early June 2023, I rang the bell to declare my cancer journey over.

Before the bell rang, I had been looking at an Apple iMac computer I had wanted for years. During the bell ringing, my parents handed me a present. Judging by the size of it, I could tell it was the computer—and I was correct. I thanked my parents, hugging them, when suddenly I heard Jack’s voice saying, “You most probably only wanted that for a week. You’re so spoiled—you get everything you want just because you had cancer.”

Which was a lie because I barely asked for anything from anyone. People came to me with gifts as a surprise, including Jack. But for him to call me spoiled at my own bell ringing made me upset, as this was the one time someone congratulated me for completing such a big accomplishment—to the point where I snapped at Jack.

“You really want to call me spoiled because I had cancer and I got something I’ve wanted for years because I beat it?

Well, that makes you spoiled as well. Then you always brag to people online and in reality, you bought 2,000£ shoes or the latest iPhone when I barely ask for anything, and you have the audacity to call me spoiled. You know you’re just a lowlife person who thinks he can bully others because he thinks it’s funny. Why do you think it’s okay to say these things at such an important time in my life, Jack? You’re pathetic.”

I felt ashamed of myself for saying that to him, but he needed to hear the truth, or this would happen to someone else.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he insulted you when he’s supposed to be supporting you, also you beat cancer, that’s amazing.

Don’t surround yourself with people like that—well done for standing up for yourself.” obsessedreader1989

“Me (28f) and my husband (31m) were planning on taking a vacation to Florida for 7 days and renting a house, with our two kids. My husband invited my SIL (33) and her two kids to come along with us to Florida. She has never done a vacation before, and he wanted his nieces to have a great experience. We are going to pay for the house, and she is going to pay her own airfare to go down.

To get some context, I do not like my SIL. When I was pregnant with my first child, she started all this drama in his family while I was pregnant, and she announced our pregnancy before I wanted to tell anyone and fought with my husband, saying that he was picking some idiot (me) over his family.

Her exact words…

I decided to just push on, and I just kept grinning and bearing all of his family events. But I have my guard up. Fast forward to the trip planning.
We initially decided to go for 7 days, to which my SIL agreed. Then my husband decided he wanted to do 10 days: 3 days of just our family and 7 with all of us. He told her, and she decided to book her plane tickets for 10 days. I was annoyed at my husband because I felt like he did not make it clear to her, and I also felt like she didn’t understand that we wanted to be alone for a few days.

Recently, she has lost her job and is financially struggling.

She also asked my husband to pay for a bill and gave her 3000 to help fix her car. She has no money to go on vacation with, and everything will end up being on my husband’s dime. I have voiced my concerns/annoyance about the situation with my husband, and he keeps telling me I’m not being fair. I know how this vacation is going to go. It’s the same as every other trip. I ended up watching all the kids, and my husband and SIL ended up leaving me with the kids.

I feel that my concerns are valid, and I honestly am dreading the vacation at this point. I voiced that I did not want to go, and my husband felt like I was being unreasonable.

So AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you don’t have a SIL problem, you have a husband problem. He invited her on your family vacation without checking with you first? He has no issue with her saying awful things about you? He’s giving her your family money without checking with you? None of this is okay. Time for a very serious conversation with husband, and I definitely wouldn’t go on the trip if she’s there.” bokatan778

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not sure why you agreed to go. Ten days with someone you don’t like sounds like torture. However, I would be firm and clear that you have zero intentions of being left with the kids while they go off and do their own thing, and that you will be doing solo events sometimes throughout the stay.

It sounds like she is the type who will get offended if you want to go off and do your own things for a few hours.” Ok-Context1168

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But tell him you will not at any point watch her kids alone, and even with him only for a few hours on one or two of the days, and then only if she reciprocates. Otherwise, upon arrival, you will immediately ditch them and go get your own room and enjoy a personal/private vacation.” gloryhokinetic

“I (26f) have a friend, Nate. Nate’s family and mine were pretty much one when we were growing up. Our dads are still friends, as are our mums. Both sets of parents split the same year, and Nate’s mum Helena, and his sister Sophie lived with my mum and me for three years afterward. I am the godmother to one of Sophie’s kids, and my mum is the godmother to the other. That’s how close we all are.

Helen has organized a four-day spa trip for her birthday in a couple of weeks and asked me to go.

My mum was supposed to go also, but couldn’t, so it was just me, Helen, and Sophie. Nate then asked Helen if she would invite his partner of a year, Annie, and Helen agreed (she has told me she isn’t particularly happy about this).

A couple of days ago, I got a message from Annie asking me to go for coffee, which worried me. I went, and Annie basically said she would be really grateful if I could bow out of going to Helen’s birthday trip because she really wanted time to bond with her future in-laws, and she feels like it’s really hard to do that with me there. She said that, given how important family is to Nate, I should know how crucial it is for her to have a good relationship with his mother and sister, and I should do this for his benefit ultimately.

I said I wasn’t going to lie to Helen about not being able to attend her birthday and not seeing people I care about because she was worried about not being the main event. She got mad at me, bringing up irrelevant things to try to guilt-trip me, but I said she needed to calm down before I told everyone what she was trying to do, and she left.

No one knows about this. I don’t want to tell Nate, Helen, or Sophie because if any of them get mad at her over it, it will be my fault. Nate and I share all of our friends, so I can’t really tell them either.

I’m confused if I was a jerk, because at the end of the day, Annie does need to bond with Helen and Sophie, and it’s not like I won’t have many more opportunities to see them. So AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Firstly, you are not Nate’s ex, your presence should not prevent her from bonding with her in-laws. Second, if she really wants to bond with her future in-laws, she could organize something. Even a simple dinner or a shopping trip. Why does it have to be during this trip? She seems to view you as competition even though there’s no evidence to back up her train of thought.” ToughUnderstanding52

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

I’d talk to Helen privately, but impress on her that you don’t want it to affect Nate’s relationship. Though honestly, he deserves to know who he’s seeing. If someone you were seeing did something like this, you’d want him to tell you, wouldn’t you? Annie is insecure and jealous of your relationship with Nate and especially with Helen. That’s her problem to get over, not yours to ‘fix’ for her. I suspect you’ll be part of their family long after she’s out of the picture. If she sticks around, it’ll be because she’s accepted you as a part of her new family. Even if you don’t feel you can talk to anyone about this, don’t back out of the trip. I have a feeling Annie will show people who she really is once you’re there, without any effort from you. You could have been her biggest asset in ‘bonding’ with Annie, but she’s messed that up big time. Maybe she’ll grow up and fix it, but somehow I doubt it.” the_esjay

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Politely request that she bring her concern to Nate, and if Nate wants to uninvite you then that’s his prerogative. You can even say “I understand why you feel that way, but if they didn’t see me like family I wouldn’t be invited.

If you really think it’s important that I not be there I would talk to Nate about it”. Nate can then explain that you guys are functionally family, something that his partner may not intuitively understand. It’s not your place to uninvite yourself to make a partner of one year happy. Especially as you would functionally be her sister-in-law anyway. She can talk to her partner about it as this is really a matter for their relationship.” letsgetit899

“My (33F) fiancé (38M) and I are getting married in one month. Due to my insane work schedule, a lot of the wedding prep tasks have been put off until this final month. However, I took this whole month off to finish up wedding planning, and thus I have a pretty packed schedule of in-person meetings and appointments over the next few weeks to prepare.

My fiancé’s parents have been experiencing some pretty bad health issues over the last few years. This has led to, or exacerbated, mental health issues and marital issues for both of them.

Over the years, I have been able to communicate with both of them more effectively than their own sons have been able to. So when tensions started flaring between them and divorce was mentioned as a real possibility for the first time, my fiancé’s father practically begged both of us to travel to their state immediately so we could try to mediate these issues and quell the tensions.

Despite being in the middle of insane work schedules and intensive wedding planning, we dropped everything to get on a plane and come try to help them work through these issues. However, as soon as we arrived, my soon-to-be father-in-law informed us that he had been sick with a cold or flu for a week and that my soon-to-be mother-in-law came down with it early this morning.

She sounds terrible and has almost completely lost her voice. To be fair, she is wearing a surgical mask.

I became super furious because I could not get sick this close to the wedding with so much planning to do. We would have canceled or delayed the trip if we had been informed. I said nothing to them about it, but I left immediately to get a hotel and I plan to stay away from them for the rest of the weekend trip. My fiancé is angry because he thinks that we should risk getting a cold/flu for the sake of potentially helping to save their marriage. (Their viral tests were negative.) I offered to meet with the family outside on their screened-in porch, but this was refused because it was too hot for them in the middle of summer.

So, AITJ for getting a hotel and refusing to meet with my soon-to-be in-laws inside their home this weekend?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You cannot fix their marriage. They are adults, that is their responsibility. If they need a mediator, then they need to go to couples counseling. You are not a therapist, it is not your expertise or role to help them save their marriage. It’s not your fiancé’s responsibility either. They are adults, if they want to save their marriage, then they both need to decide they want to save it and get counseling from a trained therapist. If you and your fiancé try to help, you and he will be blamed if it fails or doesn’t work or if one feels they have been screwed in the process.

This is a no-win for you and your fiancé. There is a reason that doctors, therapists, etc do not treat patients or close friends.” shout-out-1234

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, They should have told you there was sickness before you traveled to see them. I’d have done the same as you. Selfish of them to ask you to travel to solve their marital woes while you’re busy planning your own wedding and then conveniently leaving out the fact that they’re sick knowing full well you’re getting married in a few weeks. Congrats on the wedding, btw.” JustOverIt247

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, You shouldn’t be responsible for their marital issues.

They should seek counseling or just communicate their issues over the phone during this hectic period. They are being selfish, and putting more pressure on you during your own busy period. Not informing you that they’re sick is also a jerk move. My mother recently did this to me when I went to visit and I shrugged it off, but I would have been livid if I had gotten sick before something important like a competition or an important meeting, let alone wedding planning.” Narokath

“I (30s F) work with a woman “Janet” (also 30s F) whose entire personality is that she’s disabled. It’s all she talks about, and it impacts her ability to do her job. She’ll take private doctor’s calls in front of customers, every conversation with her is about how bad her latest blood test looked, and she calls out sick constantly. She’s told me that her doctor thinks she shouldn’t even be working and should take disability instead, but she refuses and now the entire team has to assume she won’t show up for her shift and cover for the chaos that brings.

This I blame more on the manager than Janet herself.

All of that I don’t actually care about that much. I work hard and keep my head down and I have no intention of making friends with my coworkers, so for the past year I’ve just nodded along while she tells me that her whatever levels are elevated again. However, she made a comment the other day and I’ve found it hard to work with her since. Somehow migraines came up, and she started in with “Oh, I get migraines! The pain is unbelievable. You have no idea how bad migraines get. They’re a lot like seizures, which are just terrible. ... Click here to continue reading