“My friend is on crutches now, and asks me to carry her bag to or from classes we share. I did this gladly, but over the next few days, I found myself late to classes, and she had me leave early from my classes to come and get her. This is kind of fine, but sometimes, while we are using extra time to get to her classes, she will want to stop and say hi to teachers or stop by the cafeteria for snacks. I told her that I would take her, but it’s unnecessary for me to leave early from class to take her to the cafeteria for a SNACK.

I want to tell her that I can take her, but I’m not leaving class 15 minutes early or being late to a class by 10 minutes because even though I’m helping an injured friend, I still get a tardy.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. 1- If she has a backpack, she can carry it herself and shouldn’t need help. 2- She can have other people help her who are in the same classes as her and are going in the same direction. No one but her should be getting the extra time to move between classes, especially if she is carrying her own backpack. 3- She’s milking it for all it’s worth by stopping and talking to teachers and getting food. That’s not ok when it’s affecting your education, too. She might be thinking that you’re enjoying the extra time out of classes.

Tell her exactly what you say in your post. It’s not fair to you and your schooling. You can help her with certain parts of the day, but you should not have to leave class that early every class period, let alone be late. I’m surprised your teachers are allowing this.” gingerlady9

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. “I’m sorry, my schoolwork is suffering because of this. I’ll take your bag when we are going from the same class to the next same class, but I can’t leave my classes to accompany you and be late for my own class.

I think you should get a hold of admin and see if they can allocate a staff member for you or something.” She should be using other students who are going from the same class to the next same class. Or, I’d tell her, “Your bag is going to get there before you, I am not getting written up for being late again.”” Armadillo_of_doom

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. Good on you for helping your friend. But, you’re right that there is some negative impact on you here that needs to be sorted out. I’ve found it works well to talk to teachers ahead of time if you’re going to be made late for a legitimate reason like this.

Sometimes it’s actually easier to ask for permission than forgiveness. Once they’ve given permission, they get to feel like they’ve participated in doing the right thing when you come in late, rather than feeling suspicious that you’re just making excuses. That initial emotional reaction kind of dictates everything from there, no matter the rules or situation. So, since helping your friend is the right thing to do, talk to the school. Start with a teacher you’re close to, or the school counselor, so they can help advocate for you. Ask them what is acceptable for you to do in this situation, and what other accommodations might be available for your friend. Make sure all your teachers are informed and on board with the plan. Then you can tell your friend what the school suggests—and if it’s less than what you’re doing now, you can let them be the bad guy. If she’s upset, explain that you’re getting a pile of tardies, so you had to sort it out with the school. Don’t place blame on anyone but the school (ex., her slowing things down for snacks should be completely left out of this conversation) and things should turn out OK with your friend.” Many_Worlds_Media

“Last summer, a family vacation was planned for my family (M40, wife, and 2 kids), my brother’s family (M33, wife, 1 kid), and our parents. The plan was to go to Maui in May 2025. It’s easily the most expensive trip any of us has been on. A fishing trip with Dad was booked, a very expensive VRBO was booked, and final payment occurred last month, and at that point could not be canceled. These shared costs were put on my credit card and I was fully reimbursed by all parties for their share.

Last week, my brother’s Black Lab had a severe health issue.

The dog was 6 years old and unfortunately it passed. I got word of it and sent my condolences. A few days later, I got a phone call from my brother. Essentially, he went all out trying to save the dog and has a significant vet bill coming his way. He informed me that he and his family are backing out of the trip. He asked for his money back that he had paid me.

Needless to say, a disagreement occurred between us. He thinks because he canceled he should be reimbursed. My family and our parents will still be going. The trip can’t be changed at this point.

But I’m not reimbursing him, I’m not about to pay another 7K out of my pocket.

I told him absolutely not. He’s called me a jerk and threatened small claims court. It’s been a pretty toxic last few days. He refuses to consider going, citing finances, emotional distress from the dog, and he doesn’t want to be around me. Am I the jerk here?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. These were nonrefundable costs, and that is how life works. I assume that any trip I back out of, I am not getting a refund. Now, it would be good for the rest of you going to chat about what you COULD refund him.

If changes can be made to certain things, like excursions, where you could get a refund for his part, then try. If all the family members are willing to kick in a little to cover part of the house rental, then that would be nice. For example, one time a group of friends rented a house, and two of the sleeping situations weren’t ideal (couch in an extra room, air mattress in another), so when a couple cancelled (nonrefundable) we all got better rooms out of it, so we sent them some money back. If there are ways to help your brother, you should all consider doing so, but no, he can’t get money for the nonrefundable stuff back.” mfruitfly

Another User Comments:

“We went through something similar.

Cat had emergency surgery to the tune of $6K. You know what we did? We paid the vet with our credit card and paid off the credit card when we could. Crap like this happens when you own pets. He made the decision to spend money he apparently didn’t have to spare on the trip and then spent it again on the dog. Now his poor decision-making is YOUR problem? Got to love relatives. This is why I don’t do trips with relatives anymore. They just break your heart.” anonanon-do-do-do

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. He’s basically asking YOU to eat the cost of his dog’s health care.

It would be different if you COULD get the money back, but you can’t. If he’d have put it on his own card, he’d have not gotten money back either, so why does he think you should have to refund him? Just because you’re the middleman who happens to be family doesn’t mean you’re obligated to eat the cost. He entered into a contract with you in which you paid a nonrefundable amount on your card, and it was agreed he would pay you back (which he did) and he knew that it was nonrefundable for you. He has spent that money. It isn’t his to ask back anymore. This is his emergency and his problem, not yours. It is sad his dog died, but he can’t screw you over because of it. Let him take you to small claims court if he wants. He will lose.” nipnopples

“My parents are both in their 80s and live about two hours from me. For reference, I have a sibling who lives right down the road from them. Neither of them has aged well—they always refused to be active and have lived very sedentary lives in their retirement, so aging has been hard on them.

My father especially has struggled with type 2 diabetes and dementia/Alzheimer’s. He is very combative and mean about everything, which is how he has always been, but dementia and old age have made it worse.

He directs a lot of his anger towards me and is especially mad that I am trying to get them to move into assisted living because they fall constantly and need so much help. Anytime he disagrees with me about anything, he starts screaming and calling me names, including “fattie” and “the thing.” “The thing” hurts especially hard because I am his daughter and he is reducing me to something that is hardly human.

He will say, “Don’t look at the thing over there, she’s so ugly she might break your face,” or just ridiculous stuff. He does this when he is completely lucid and when he remembers everything and everyone.

Or he will say, “Don’t feed the thing,” when my mom tries to offer me food. I tried so hard to ignore this treatment, but once he did it in front of my kids, I put my foot down and stopped visiting.

My mother now wants me to come to her 3+ times a week to help with cooking, cleaning, helping dress my father, etc. I have said no because the way he treats me is terrible, and I have to look out for my own well-being. She says I just need to ignore it because he is old and grumpy. She says I take things too personally and I am obligated to help them because they raised me.

AITJ for saying they need either a full-time nurse or assisted living?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I have had to deal with my mother and her demands for years. Nobody else was allowed to take her shopping, to medical appointments, and visits. She ended up staying in the hospital overnight after a minor operation because she refused to have anyone else look after her, and I wasn’t available. The best thing we ever did was put my mother in a home. She is so much healthier physically, and her mental health has improved as well. I am far less stressed, have time for myself, and have far fewer migraines.

Write out a list of options for your parents that you are comfortable with. Stick to these options. If this means your sibling who lives closer has to help, then so be it. I cannot stress enough, do not be manipulated into sacrificing your health and happiness for your parents if they are not prepared to negotiate a suitable solution.” Gnarly_314

Another User Comments:

“No, nope, absolutely NOT. NTJ. Don’t consider it. Stick to what you have told them and what you are willing to help them do. I especially take umbrage at the idea that you are to ignore his inhumane, disgusting, hurtful comments because he’s ‘old and grumpy.’ No.

No, you DON’T have to put up with him. You can point out that they have a kid who lives right up the road. Also, the way these stories usually end is that the parents will say the kid up the road gets everything, and the caregiver kid doesn’t even get a ‘Thanks, kid.'” RavenRaving

Another User Comments:

“They chose to have you (doesn’t matter if it was through adoption). You didn’t choose to be in their care. Financially supporting your child to adulthood is the BARE MINIMUM! I’d go very LC to NC. And if they try to pull the “you’d be worse off if you were in foster care…” tell them — guess we’ll never know.

I could’ve been in a home with people who loved me. How was your home better than foster care?! — Sadly, I missed my Daddy Warbucks chance because you were selfish enough to adopt me. You know, I would’ve received the same level or better care than you gave me. I would’ve been eligible for lots of scholarships and grants, but… NO, you just had to have me. Tell your mom you’re happy to help her contact a social worker who can get services for them. My stepmom was given free food, 3 times a week nurse check-ins and rides to the doctor as needed (in the USA). I’m not a blocker, but if your mental health needs a break… block them and only check messages 1 time a week.” ghostlikecharm

“I (F29) and Jack (M31) got married last year after being together for almost 4 years. We’ve always had a fun relationship with no major issues. And our relationship before and after marriage has been relatively the same.

One thing that had always bothered me, though, was the period leading up to our engagement. You see, Jack had a bad experience with marriage due to his divorced parents. I was understanding, but made it clear from the get-go that if our relationship was serious, I wanted to get married at some point.

Anyway, onto the conflict.

So I knew Jack was not going to be 100% thrilled with the prospect of marriage from the get-go. But I thought by the time year 3 rolled around with no issues, living together yada yada, he would be more comfortable proposing.

I was WRONG. Every time I would bring it up, it was like pulling teeth. And it would eventually end up with one or both of us crying into the early morning hours.

Half a year of this passed, and finally, I hit a breaking point after reading stories of women being strung along for a decade or more. Our lease was ending, so I said I was going to leave.

And while I loved him, I was not going to be unhappy and never fulfill my dream.

Well, that seemed to finally do something. He buckled down, we got our rings picked out, and got the paperwork ready for our courthouse wedding. It went well, and we had a great small ceremony and party with some close friends. Good memories for that day, but they are bittersweet as it is hard not to remember all those nights crying about his unwillingness to commit or get therapy for it.

But our life is great by all accounts. However, I feel like the jerk.

At a party yesterday, when my younger sister was asking about details about my engagement and if it was fun/romantic as she is two years into her own relationship, I basically blurted out no.

And I gave a brief rundown of what I previously wrote. She was shocked, as we are one of those couples who are always happy. I said that we are happy but the marriage thing was just a big fear for Jack and that’s just how life is sometimes. But I’m grateful for what we have now.

My sister seemed to take it well, but I can tell it’s made her see Jack a bit differently. And for the rest of the party, she was a bit more reserved than usual.

Jack noticed and asked what was up, but I waited until we were back home to explain.

He was pretty upset and said that I shouldn’t have said anything. I said I was sorry and that I was a little tipsy and that I didn’t want to lie in case she was maybe going through a similar situation. (It was the truth—my situation has made me way more sensitive to the marriage thing in general and I never bring up engagement-type stuff to couples.)

But he thinks I did it to be rude and because I’m still hurt about it. I don’t know. I thought I was over it, but maybe there is some truth. I feel like I should still be able to be honest when privately chatting with my sister.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. You were both transparent about your feelings. You wanted marriage, and he was hesitant. You finally hit your breaking point, which forced Jack to realize he was ready to move past his comfort zone to keep you. It’s fine to tell your sister the truth as long as you reiterate that your marriage is a happy one. Please don’t let the way you got engaged cast a shadow on your happiness. It’s unimportant in the scheme of things.” General_Relative2838

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Men with divorced parents who have commitment issues and refuse to get therapy for it psychologically and emotionally torment their partners.

Citing your clear boundary that you were unwilling to stay in a relationship with someone with such deep-rooted psychological impediments that refused to either seek therapy or another form of healing is completely normal and healthy and what more people should do to avoid continued emotional neglect and pain—or looking back with regrets in hindsight 5-10 years later when no progress has been made. And NTJ for telling your own personal truth—to your literal sister of all people.” throwaway1930400

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but I get it. It’s probably not his favorite topic to think of, let alone tell people. He likely feels bad about the whole thing and deals with it by not thinking about it and focusing on the present.

Also, you said a brief rundown. This is not the kind of story you do a brief rundown of. You need to FINISH the conversation with your sister now that you are sober and make it clear that while things were rough that your marriage is a happy one, and you love him, and he loves you. He’s not a bad person and was just freaking out but fought to get over it for you when you made it clear how serious it was. Plus, you did say your sister seemed to perceive him differently. Were you wrong to? No, however, that doesn’t change that he’s uncomfortable telling people and now has to deal with his sister-in-law looking at him funny, likely forever. This could affect his relationships with your family in a negative way, and that is something he’s allowed to not be thrilled with. Plus, he may be genuinely scared that you resent him for it. This may have dredged up fears that you’ll never let this go, whether or not those are rational. He came very close to losing the woman he loves, and that’s scary as heck. So, him being worried about your resentment or maybe your family now hating him is understandable. You weren’t wrong, to be honest, but you do need to make sure this doesn’t bite him in the ass. Also, see a therapist and a couples counselor. Nip this issue in the bud, make sure that this issue with your engagement doesn’t form cracks in the foundations of your marriage.” BoneYardBirdy

“I (40s/F) and my husband (40s/M) are in an argument regarding an incident that happened with my daughter’s musical the previous weekend. My daughter (15F) was in a musical at her high school and had been in practice for months leading up to her performance. She performed a total of four times – once for parents’ night and three different showings over the weekend. I have gone to all of the rehearsals, pick-ups from practice, and I volunteered to work during the intermission shifts and pre-shows for the musical boosters group.

I only asked that her father and two brothers attend one show.

They came to the afternoon showing, and during intermission, he mentioned that he wanted to head home because he had not been feeling well, plus he was feeling a little hungry and tired. I told him that the second act was only about 35 minutes and would be short, and that I thought it would be nice for everyone to stay to show support for our daughter. He decided to leave anyway and took our sons with him. I was beyond upset, and we had an argument about it. I said that it was very selfish to leave and not be there for our daughter when she walked out, while everyone else’s family had stayed and was giving hugs and flowers, and when she came out, it would only be me again.

Fast forward to this weekend, and my husband asked if we all wanted to go see the musical at the school where he teaches.

I said I didn’t want to go and sit through someone else’s whole musical when he had not bothered to sit through his own daughter’s. He told me that I’m wrong for my opinion and that I was being hateful. He then asked my daughter if she wanted to go with him. He said he would take her, but it had to be to the matinee on Sunday because he didn’t want to drive at night. She has voice lessons on Sunday, so she doesn’t want to miss them. Instead, he said if she doesn’t want to go, he’ll take her grandmother with him. He is saying that I am being unreasonable, and I said that he is not being a supportive father. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“I started dancing when I was 3, and kept at it all through my teen years. I also did musicals. I worked at summer theatres and did shows in college. I was also in several choirs that regularly performed. My father, who worked two full-time jobs, never missed a performance. Not one. You know who else came? My mom, my grandparents, and my aunts… along with my siblings. Even if I was part of the crew or doing props, they STILL all showed up to support me and see how my work was progressing.

They understood that the backstage people worked just as hard and set the tone for the show. When I did my first radio show (which was the start of a 23-year career), my grandparents had flowers delivered to the studio. They arrived as I opened the mic for the first time. That was 40 years ago, and I still remember how loved I felt. Your husband has done the opposite. He’s made sure your daughter will remember she was not a priority for him. She will not feel valued. And she knows he feels his students are more important. NTJ.” MerelyWhelmed1

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but I suspect I get what’s going on.

He’s known the kids at the school he teaches for years, but he’s only known his daughter for 15 years… Seriously, the issue is he wants people to think he’s better than he is. Going to your kid’s school event is a typical parent thing. An auditorium full of parents seeing their own kid doesn’t give you extra points for going to see your own kid. Going to see his students perform, though, well, that’s bonus points. Mr. Husband is such a supportive teacher, blah, blah. The praise comes without much effort on his part at all. There is a drastically different reward for going to your daughter’s performance and going to one where he teaches, and it is clear which result matters more to him.” CemeteryDweller7719

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

But also, what the heck kind of man did you have kids with?!? I now have three adult children. If you held a gun to my head and gave me my Google calendar on a computer, I couldn’t tell you how many rec soccer games, travel soccer games, little league baseball, little league football, junior high/high school football, XC and track meets, or band competitions I froze, overheated, starved, or in some cases suffered through. It feels like hundreds, but probably wasn’t. If I had the opportunity to do it all again tomorrow, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I chose to have those kids, so I had to support them. Giving food and shelter to a child isn’t enough.” continually_trying

“I host a monthly pool party/BBQ for the neighborhood families. I buy about $200 in steaks, hot dogs, and drinks, book the community party room, and send out invites and reminders. It’s become a great way for the adults to connect and catch up, while the kids swim and play.

One of the neighborhood boys doesn’t behave appropriately – i.e., he splashes kids in the face when they ask him not to, pushes kids into the pool, calls them names, growls at kids if they win a game, doesn’t follow the rules of games, and so on.

It’s unpleasant for the other kids, and he makes the younger ones cry. His mom yells and threatens to take him home, but she doesn’t, so he continues misbehaving. I’m not well-informed about autism; however, my stance is that the parents are responsible for ensuring their kids behave appropriately or removing them. Instead, other parents have to get involved to yell at the kid to leave their own child alone or to comfort their crying child.

After the last party, two of the kids asked me not to invite that boy again because he ruined the day for them. I agree with them and believe that part of my responsibility as a host is to create a guest list of people who add positively to the event.

My husband disagrees because 1) he thinks I should first bring up the issue with the boy’s parents and give him one more chance, 2) we can’t actually “exclude” them since it’s a community pool, and 3) he’s just conflict-avoidant and doesn’t want to ruin relations with neighbors.

What do you think, would I be the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“I am (unfortunately) very familiar with having to parent other people’s out-of-control kids in order to protect my own.

It sucks. Mostly because I’m not getting paid to watch your kid in public just because you decided to take your kid to a children’s museum with no intention of interacting with them. This one kid is not only putting other children in real danger (a pool is not the place for roughhousing and bullying), but he’s ruining the day for the parents too. In my opinion, it’s time for his mom to learn that if she can’t behave appropriately in public, then she is not invited. Her kid is an extension of her and her responsibility. You aren’t ostracizing a child, you’re setting boundaries with his mom. NTJ.” ManaKitten

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and it’s not an issue of inclusion because the problem isn’t that he’s autistic but that his parent refuses to parent. It drives me nuts when parents use their child’s autism as an excuse or explanation for their lack of parenting. If they show up to the party anyway, I’d implement a strike system for all kids in the pool. I used to do this when I babysat and my rule was I’d tell them the pool rules and would remind them not to do something once. If they did it again, they had to get out of the pool for 5 minutes and watch all the other kids having fun without them.

If they continued to break the rules, they’d be removed from the pool for the rest of the day. It was super effective for kids who weren’t used to having actual consequences for their actions because their parents only threatened and never followed through.” Scribe625

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here, I think your husband has the right idea here. Imagine that you were the mom of this kid. Rather than getting a neurotypical kid whose behavior is relatively easy to manage, your child turned out to be autistic and every day is a struggle from the moment they wake until the moment they fall asleep at night, fighting to manage their behaviors as they melt down.

Can you just imagine how exhausted Mom must be? So rather than just not inviting her, which is what typically happens to special needs kids, I would have a gentle conversation with her, or have your husband do it if you don’t think you can be diplomatic. Tell her how much you want her and (son’s name) to be there, but mention that you’ve noticed that sometimes as the party goes on, he starts to get overtired and you see an increase in behaviors (mention the worst 3 behaviors that are true safety issues—don’t create a pile on). Tell her you want her there, but suggest that if he starts having trouble, he may need to leave early, and mention that there have been some complaints. If that doesn’t work out, and mom doesn’t remove him when he starts having trouble and she’s been put on notice that the behaviors are an issue with the group, then the next time there’s an event, I think it’s fine not to invite her.” dragonsandvamps