People Feel Powerless In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stores

“I 22F am going on a trip to Japan with my mom and sister. It’s my sister’s high school graduation trip. We will be in Japan for about a week and a half.

My friend is going to be doing a study abroad program in South Korea and the timeline lines up. I have never been to Korea before and she said I could stay with her for a few days. I am a person who loves to travel and it’s my goal to eventually have a job that lets me travel 24/7.

This past summer I spent 2 months by myself going through Europe and it was the best time of my life, so it’s not like I don’t have experience.

My mom and sister have known this was my plan for about 2 months now. Sometimes my sister will make comments like “Isn’t Japan good enough?” but other than that it’s been fine. Now, though, I just got into an argument with my mom and I’m wondering if this is awful of me. I would be paying for my flight to Korea and everything in Korea.

My mom just bought the three of us return flights from Japan to our home state.

On the phone, she expected me to be excited, but I asked her why she would buy me one since I was not going to be traveling home with them. It makes more sense to fly from Korea, or, if the price is a huge difference, to push my flight back a week later so I have time to go to Korea and fly back to Tokyo.

Then my mom started saying how my sister was right and that it was ridiculous that I was going. She told me my friend is probably going to fall through, and I told her even if that did happen I would go by myself since I’d never been to South Korea before.

It’s a whole big thing now and I don’t know if this is wrong of me.

My graduation trip was to Paris and, truthfully, there were many bumps leading up to it. (My #1 pick was actually Japan, but I was told that was too much $, plus my aunt came and there were many arguments.) Nonetheless, I don’t think I’d have been offended if a family member stayed behind.

I don’t know, I normally talk about this stuff with my mom, so I need some other voices.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’m not sure I understand why your mom and sister are upset- are they jealous that you’re going to Korea? It seemed like their thought was, if you go to Korea, that somehow diminishes Japan.

Can they see it as two different trips? Would they have an issue if you came home, and then went to Korea again? If not, that’s essentially what you’re doing but efficiently saving one leg by flying directly to Korea.” Ok_Pineapple5952

Another User Comments:
“NTJ You have to stay with your family during the trip, but you do what you want afterward, and if you want to see your friend, you go and see your friend. Your mother seems to have bought you a return ticket to force a decision on you. Tell her to ask for a refund, as you’ve already communicated your plans beforehand.” Asciutta

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

The only reason I can think they don’t like you going to Korea is because they want to. I would understand if it was your sister who was upset, and your mum was paying, but you’re paying! Tell your mum that if she really wants you to go back home, she can pay for the return flight back to Korea. Remind them it’s not about Japan not being enough, but you wanting to travel, save money, and see your friend.” [deleted]

“My wife (29F) and I (32M) are visiting my sister (23F) and her wife (25F) at their home across the country from us. My sister inherited multiple businesses from our grandparents and also works some kind of executive finance job while her wife quit modeling to stay home and deal with household chores like cooking and cleaning (now when thinking about it and writing this post out, I think that’s the only chores she does while my sister handles everything else. So SIL is the sole person doing the cooking and cleaning minus taking the trash out).

Two instances made me uneasy.

The first was when my sister had woken up and apparently her breakfast had been cooked too early: “the eggs feel and taste too rubbery,” so she threw them out and said she would just pick something up (fast food) before work. My wife, who also witnessed it, said it wasn’t a big deal and that it’s fine. The second instance was when the three of us (me, my wife, my SIL) got lost in conversation. When my sister got home from work and the food wasn’t ready yet, she said, “Really? C’mon,” in an exasperated tone and sighed in a way I can only describe as “you know it should be ready when I get home.” I had enough and said something along the lines of, “Why do you treat her like crap when really she could probably find much better than you?” The room went silent for a few seconds before I was booted out (I’m now in a hotel; my wife chose to stay there).

My wife says they’ve been together since they were young teenagers, and she’s sure they wouldn’t still be so happy if it was toxic.

She has accused me of it being over my grandparents, which I will admit I had problems in the past stemming from our grandfather favoring my sister. Before he died, he gave my sister his permission to carry on all his businesses because “she’s more intelligent and responsible than I’ve ever seen you be,” and he told both of us he wanted only her to carry on his family name, considering I had trash-talked it for so many years. But this has nothing to do with the inheritance, and I genuinely believe there’s something uncomfortable about the dynamic I’ve seen so far; hence what I said in front of everyone. May as well get outside opinions on if what I did was a jerk thing.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If ‘sister’ was ‘brother’ in this story, everyone would agree that, while crass, you’re NTJ. Folks around here have a need to protect particular groups at all costs, and virtue signal where possible. No, calling rude people out for being rude is not the wrong move. Good luck OP.” obnoxious_pauper

Another User Comments:
“The balance of responsibility is different in different relationships. I tend to think that, as long as everyone agreed on the arrangement, each person is treated respectfully, and no one is being taken advantage of—that people should do what works for them.

However, the respect component seems to be missing with your sister. Instead of recognizing that there are guests causing the normal schedule to be a bit off, and just coming home, joining the conversation, and asking if she can help with anything, your sister barged in demanding her food be on the table like some sort of barbaric husband from the 50s. NTJ.” StacyB125

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In my opinion, people present a better version of themselves around guests. If I were the sister and came home to a late dinner but I saw my wife had been entertaining my brother and his wife the whole day, I’d sit and take over hosting so she can cook.

Getting exasperated and annoyed over a simple delay when there is a reasonable solution is unnecessary and will over time become toxic if it’s not already.” Psychological_Way500

“My partner and I went skiing today with some of our friends – we got up early and we carpooled (she drove, she doesn’t like to not be in control of the vehicle) as we do every other weekend. She had to take some meetings from the resort/base, so my friend and I went on a few runs.

When we got back down, as she was finishing up, I said that my foot was hurting (the arch of my foot felt bruised and inflamed, and I couldn’t lift my big toe more than a centimeter without wincing) and that I’d probably take it easy for the rest of the day while they continued to ski (we had planned for them to ski for approximately 2 hours more before we would leave).

Immediately, her face turned to one of disgust, and she responded, “Ugh, why did I even come?”

What really took me aback was that she didn’t even ask if I was OK – it was as if my feeling injured was all about her.

Despite my friends and me imploring her that there was still plenty of time to ski, she insisted that “she was just over it all” and wanted to go home. Now she blames me for not being able to ski and says she’s angry at me for not apologizing, and when I asked her where her apology was, she said, “I am literally never going to apologize for this.”

From my perspective, I don’t know why she’s upset with me, as I was content to sit there for two hours while she continued to ski with our friends. She rejected that and opted to throw herself a pity party instead.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m having a hard time understanding why she wouldn’t ski without you and then blamed you for her own decision. Does she always blame others for her own behavior?” Ok_Conversation9750

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You gave her a reasonable option to ski with your friends. It was her choice not to do it. Ask her why she decided not to ski. You didn’t choose to get injured, so that isn’t your fault. She finishes her meeting and then goes all ogre on you. I’m guessing maybe those meetings didn’t go well and put her in a bad mood?

Or is she temperamental like this? This is kind of weird, actually. You don’t owe her any apologies. She just needs to clarify why she got so snotty.” goldenfingernails

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was in a relationship with a partner who had a similar thought process. She loved me… for what she believed I provided to her. Everything revolved around her. The instant she believed she did not need me anymore, she stopped loving me and sabotaged the relationship. I’d be worried about this girl. It’s really odd that she had no concern whatsoever about you, only for herself. Either way, she’s the jerk 100%, and if I were you, I’d start reconsidering if this is an exception or part of a larger trend you hadn’t noticed before.” That_Account6143

“I’m 5’3 & 98 pounds & my older sister is 5’2 & 140 pounds. I’m a bit under the ideal weight & have been trying to gain it, but due to my medical condition & physical requirements of my work, I have a hard time gaining weight. I eat almost exclusively at home with very balanced meals that are high in fat & protein to help build up. My sister lives on fast food & works a desk job, but she does small daily jogs so she is not super overweight.

I went to see my mom yesterday & my sister was there.

We were talking about what my mom wanted to do for her birthday in a few days & she wanted a family dinner. I was all about that & we had started planning the dinner. My sister, while we were planning, kept making comments on what I would eat & how much I would eat of it (like if you picked it, she would just eat it all). I got quite annoyed, but I ignored most of it. I hit my limit when we started talking about dessert. My mom has a sweet tooth, so we planned out 3 different desserts. I was going to make 2 of them at my place and bring them. My sister said, “Are they actually going to be made here or are they going to disappear right before?” I asked why she kept making those comments. Her response was, “Well, you keep gaining weight with the amount of fat you put into your food; you’ll be fat soon enough and eat everything.” I said, “I’m currently 98 pounds, so if I’m almost fat, then what are you?” My sister was upset at this and asked my mom her weight. My mom said she was 102 pounds (she’s 5’2″). My sister had a breakdown, saying she was not the fat one and there was no way I was 98 pounds. My sister got the scale out of the bathroom & it showed 98 pounds for me, 102 for my mom, and 140 for my sister. She rambled on for a bit, then left. Today, she texted my mother with her new diet plan & wanted my mom to adjust her (my mom’s) birthday dinner to fit it. It has now stirred up a bunch of drama, with no one wanting to comply with her new diet. She now seems to have a weight complexion problem after all that.

AITJ for telling my sister my weight & possibly giving her a weight complexion problem?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No, honey. Your sister already knew good and well that you’re smaller than her and she’s insecure about it. She made those snarky comments to tear you down, and you didn’t feed into her nonsense, good for you!

You are not responsible for someone else’s insecurity, or catering to it.” Expensive_Bag_9953

Another User Comments:
“She kind of brought this on herself. It sounds like she was already insecure about her weight and was lashing out at you because of it. It’s also pretty self-centered of her to expect everyone around her to comply with her diet plan. Even if she does manage to lose weight, she’s not going to keep it off if she doesn’t take ownership of her own eating habits and blame the people around her for not eating the same way she is. NTJ” DirectionEvening2566

“I (18F) dropped out of school when I was 15 due to multiple mental and physical health issues. It’s been a hard couple of years, but now I’m finally working on going back to school to get my diploma.

Now onto the whole situation. Earlier today, at about 5 pm, I called my dad and asked if he was going to get takeout for dinner once he was done with work. He said yes and that he would call me once he was nearly home so I could choose what I wanted. At about 7 pm, he called and said he was almost home and asked me what I wanted to eat.

I said anywhere was fine and that he could just pick a place he wanted to eat while I picked something off the menu. He then asked me to have dinner with him instead and said that he would come home and pick me up. I told him no and that I was too lazy to leave the house (I had had a really long day yesterday and I just wanted to rest at home today since I was still tired).

He replied with something along the lines of, “Why are you always so lazy? You were too lazy to go to school, too lazy to go to work, and now you’re too lazy to eat with me?” I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not, but I took it personally.

I was actually starting to regain motivation and was in the process of applying to a school. I actually liked my dad more than my mom before this because my mom was usually the one calling me lazy instead of attributing it to my mental illness, not my dad. Hearing him say that really hurt me, so I hung up on him, texted him saying that I’d cook my own dinner, and ignored all of his calls.

When he got home, he was really mad and told me never to call him if I ever needed anything in the future. He also said that he’d kick my 6-month-old kitten out of the house and that I was wrong for hanging up on him and ignoring all of his calls when he just wanted to have dinner with me.

I was hurt at first, but now I’m mad.

However, I don’t want my feelings to cloud my judgment. Was I the jerk in this situation?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are calling yourself ‘lazy’ and knowing that it is joking and you are actually exhausted due to illness is a lot different than someone just accusing you of never doing anything because you don’t feel like it. Your father knows better and has no call to start being cruel. Rather than get upset and be cruel back, you hung up and told him you would take care of yourself for dinner. You are certainly acting more adult than your grown adult father. Good luck with school, dear. Study hard so you can get away from them.” ThatWhichLurks782

Another User Comments:
“YTJ You just sound like you’re full of excuses and your parents, who are there to see it, probably have it right.

Yes, anemia fatigue is a thing, but you have not had a transfusion for over a year, so your anemia is obviously not that bad. Mental health can make you tired, but if it is as bad as you are making it, why aren’t you in treatment? You are living in their home—I am guessing rent-free since you don’t even bother to have a job—and you are rude to them. Get yourself some treatment or better treatment, because your excuses are obviously wearing thin and you want to show your parents you are trying before they decide to make you fend for yourself.” Odd-End-1405

Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your dad shouldn’t have gotten as mad as he did; however, you sound kind of spoiled.

It sounded like he just wanted to spend time with you and, to be honest, you do sound kind of lazy. You can’t blame everything on your mental and physical health your entire life.” Ok-Extension5631

“My brother (22m) and I (24f) are close and we were raised in a close, supportive family. My brother has been coming out as gay over the last year to people. Our parents were the last people he told. They worried, once they realized this, that they had come across as unsafe people for my brother to tell and they have been very much in their heads about this since. My brother has noticed and asked me if I knew why they were being weird around him and treating him differently. They have always been loving but now they ask him more questions about his life, buying him random little gifts that they know he’d like and even suggesting that if he feels suffocated by them they would understand him skipping some family dinners.

He was confused and I think a little upset that things had changed.

My parents had already confided in me about how they were feeling and how they didn’t want to put any of this on my brother, but they worried that they had parented him in a way that made him feel like he would not be supported by them. They questioned if they had ever said anything homophobic or whether they came across as parents who would accept everyone else being gay as long as it wasn’t their kid. They wondered if they hadn’t expressed their love enough or maybe too much and he worried about their response. They said they had always wanted to be the people we felt we could say anything to.

I tried to reassure them but it broke their hearts thinking they had failed as parents.

So I told my brother what they were going through when he asked. He was surprised. He asked why they would think he’d be worried to tell them, that they were the last people (other than me) he was afraid to tell and I said because they were the last to be told. My brother thanked me for telling him.

But this friend of his, someone who is also part of the community, said I was a jerk for putting this on my brother’s shoulders. That he didn’t need to worry about the feelings of others surrounding his coming out.

They said my parents sucked badly enough but at least they kept it to themselves. I shared something my brother did not need on his shoulders.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It doesn’t sound like your parents did anything wrong. While I’m not LGBT myself, I do have a possible explanation for why your brother told your parents last, and maybe telling your parents this might help them calm down a bit. While normally parents are the first people you tell about things in your life, coming out as LGBT to one’s parents is generally the highest stakes by far. Coming out to a friend and being rejected is a lot less scary than if it’s your parents.

Also, if he’s already come out to a lot of people and they have accepted him, he knows he has a support network if his parents do end up disowning him. There are plenty of horror stories of parents who preach inclusion and tolerance, but the moment their own child comes out as LGBT, they immediately turn on them, disown them, kick them out, etc.” blanketstatement5

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Except for your brother’s friend. Seems a bit dramatic and heavily lacking in insight. You’re helping to solve a problem, not creating one. It should be easily solved by your bro telling your parents to chill, he doesn’t think they’re homophobic and he loves them and can they please stop acting weird.” Curious-One4595

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

That friend is wrong for coming at you like that for multiple reasons. First, that is an opening for a better communication and understanding between your brother and your parents. Sweeping it under the rug would blow up on everybody’s faces. Second, coming out is not as black and white like his friend is trying to paint it. It’s delicate, stressful and sometimes not planned ahead (especially as a teenager). So don’t pay much attention to that single opinion of his friend. There’s no need for drama, just your brother having to sit and talk with his folks calmly.” myexistentialcrisis1

“I am 22m and for the past year and a half or so I have been very into bodybuilding. My family and I have been on a shared family membership, which my dad has been paying for. I found the equipment in that gym to be of poor quality, and I wasn’t that big of a fan of the hours of the gym.

Because of this, I decided to get a membership at another gym, which I’m paying for out of my own pocket. It is much bigger; the quantity and quality of equipment here is vastly better, and I have 24-hour access, which I intend to take full advantage of (if anyone is wondering, I am paying $26/month and a $50 annual fee).

When I told my parents about my new membership, they berated and yelled at me, telling me that I spent money recklessly, and they sarcastically told me that “I should get a membership at LA Fitness” (for context, LA Fitness is fairly expensive, charging about $40/month).

This snarky remark made me angry, and I told my parents off by explaining that they were being absurd and unreasonable and that I wanted to go to a bigger gym with better equipment so that I could make the most out of my workouts. There was no point in my dad paying for a family membership that only I was taking advantage of.

My parents don’t go to the gym very often either, so it’s kind of a waste of money for them, which baffles me even more that they would get mad at me, OP. It was a small gym and I didn’t like the equipment much either, so I figured I might as well get my own membership and take full advantage of it.

I will admit that I’ve been spending a lot of money lately and that I should be more responsible with my spending (which I plan to be much more responsible from now on), but I don’t think a gym membership is a reckless expense by any means since it is my means of blowing off steam and staying active and healthy.

Despite the fact that I am paying for my own membership, they still are demanding that I cancel my membership and go back to my old gym on my dad’s dime, which I think is completely ridiculous and that they have no say in that matter. AITJ for telling them off for this?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They’re mad that you joined your own gym because them paying for a family membership and barely going could be justified in their minds by ‘fickle goes, so it’s not really wasted money’ and you’ve pulled that comfy excuse from under them. So be kind when dealing with them. Don’t waste your money, but be aware that your spending in the past is not great.” Hob-Nob1974

Another User Comments:
“ESH for what sounds like toxic communication styles on both sides.

I was going to say this before I saw that you wouldn’t substantively respond to another user about living with your parents, and I concur that your parents do have some say in how you spend your money if you’re living off of them and could otherwise spend this gym membership money on savings for your own place. Still, none of you should be engaging in verbal warfare over what sounds like could be reasonable arguments on either side.” artofterm

“A little bit of background: My wife immigrated to my country from the other side of the world following a 5+ years long distance relationship, and the main reason for her moving here is to be with me. She has no other family in our country besides me. So, my wife and I will soon be hosting my in-laws during their first visit to our home for a two-week visit. While we were having a conversation about possible home improvement projects we could do together to make her parents’ stay the most enjoyable, my wife started to talk about sleeping arrangements, including which bedroom I would be sleeping in.

“Huh?” I said, “I thought I would be sleeping in our own bed together as usual.

Besides, we just bought that new queen-size bed in the guest room for their use and the pull-out sofa bed downstairs.” Then my wife said, “You know how my parents don’t sleep together and always like to sleep in separate beds because of my dad’s snoring. I wanted you to sleep on our downstairs sofa bed and my dad to sleep in the guest bedroom.”

Then I said, “Oh, okay, I get that. How about in our other guest room we buy a new guest bed and pillow/sheet set so that your parents can sleep separately, but we can still sleep together. Why is this an issue?” Then she frustratingly said, “You know how much I miss my mom and haven’t seen her in so long!

I want to cuddle and sleep with her in our bed. Can’t you just accept this for two weeks?” “Can’t we just get a second guest bed for them to use? That’s how they would be sleeping if they were at home anyway.”

“Admirable-Stomach118, you know how generous my parents are to you when you visit them. Please just go along with this for two weeks and don’t be such a baby about it. Just treat me well and listen to what I want in this situation.”

I don’t know. On one hand, I understand she needs to receive my 100% full support because I’m her husband and all of her support in this country, but I just feel rejected.

I also don’t feel like it’s fair to require me to move to another bed due to the new sleeping arrangement being 100% her idea (and also, it is kind of odd to me to want to sleep with your parent as an adult).”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That is a no-go for most people. It’s highly disrespectful for her to just assume that you’d be willing to allow someone else to sleep in your bed. If she wants to sleep in the same bed as her mother, she can buy another bed and share the guest room with her.” SigSauerPower320

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A queen-size bed is big enough for two people.

If your wife wants to cuddle with her mom, she can join her in the guest room. Her dad can sleep on the sofa bed. Expecting you to give up your bed for two weeks is unreasonable.” photosbeersandteach

“My fiance (25M) and I (24F) were invited to celebrate my dad’s birthday two days ago. Both my parents are in their early 60s, and since then I’m been hounded non-stop by family. I recently had a baby, and a week later my SO was let go from his job, forcing us to turn to welfare/benefits until he’s back on his feet and I’m well enough to start working again. Just so people are aware, we were in a good financial situation when I got pregnant, but it went downhill after the birth.

We thankfully had paid for everything we needed for our baby, so there’s less stress on that front.

We also have savings, but we aren’t touching a penny unless it’s an emergency. Anyway, with the money I had in my account, I decided to buy a card and a small gift for my dad. I let Mum know in advance that SO and I would show up for his meal, but we could only afford to pay for ourselves. She said it was fine.

The day came. My best friend offered to babysit. Everything was great—Dad loved his gift, and my SO even bought him a pint just to make a bit of extra effort, you know? My sis managed the cake situation, and all in all, it was a nice day.

We left a little later on, as I wasn’t feeling great (pregnancy stitches, etc.), and I wished Dad a happy birthday. When we got home, I went to lie down and then my phone rang. It was my sis, and she decided to tear into me about being cheap. She said Dad was upset I didn’t pay toward his meal. I told her I had already spoken with Mum, but apparently, that didn’t matter. I shouldn’t have come if I couldn’t afford it, even though I’m sure Dad would have cared to have me there.

I spoke to Dad, and he said it wasn’t a nice thing for me to do; the bill barely came to 200, and I paid 40 of it.

Sis and her husband ordered more than us, but apparently we should have split it equally and paid for Dad’s meal, even though I bought a gift and my SO got him a beer to try to make up for it? I’m already in a stressful situation, but I wanted to make an effort with my dad. Maybe I didn’t do enough. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“I think that when everyone is contributing, it should be agreed upon prior to the outing. It should not be a debate in front of the birthday boy or girl either. I have known people who pay their own way after inviting family and friends to join them, each paying their own.

I have heard someone tell the birthday person since it is their birthday, that they are paying for themselves. Once cocktails are involved, each should pay their own, as some do not drink and others drink more. And some order the most expensive item on the menu. You do not deserve the grief. Next time, just stay home and let them be offended that way since sis brought up the rule to stay home. Yeah, I thought of going, but sis told me not to go.” pensaha

“My son (16m) has been peeing in the bathtub. We moved into this house 2 months ago, and the toilet is quite old and loud, so my son is hesitant to flush it at night.

My husband is a very light sleeper, and the flush will wake him up, but he has a very hard time falling back asleep. To counteract this issue, our son has begun to pee in the bathtub so as not to make any noise. We have told him it’s okay to flush or to shut the toilet lid, but he will not.

I often wake up and have to scrub the tub before I can take a shower before work. The texture of the tub is strange, so I have to scrub it or it will linger and start to stink.

On Sunday night, I sprained my ankle and had to sit in the tub to shower. Today I woke up a little late, which would not have been an issue if my son had either cleaned up after himself or used the toilet. My husband was watering the garden, so I called my son into the bathroom. I again told him to use the toilet or wash the tub himself directly after using it. This time, though, I demanded that he clean it right then and there.

He refused, saying it’s disgusting and it was our fault because we had not gotten a new toilet yet. I told him that the toilet is being replaced by the landlord on the first of September (he has known this), and he proceeded to call me overdramatic and demanding. I was incredibly upset at this point, so I told him to leave. I did not want to yell at him, and I had to get ready, so I said, “Get the heck out of here, your father and I will discuss this later.” He asked where he should go, and I said, “I don’t care, anywhere but here.”

It was in reference to us both being in the bathroom, but my husband stormed in a few minutes later, yelling about how I “can’t kick our son out.” I told him it was about the bathroom, but he didn’t care and told me never to say anything like that.

I feel a little wrong for using that wording, but I’m at the end of my rope. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your son is old enough to pee before bed. If he needs to go, he can flush and your husband can be a grown-up about being woken up if his attitude is even the issue. Peeing in the bathtub is ridiculous. If he is too disgusted to clean up after himself, he shouldn’t be doing it. I also think all this fuss about your telling him to leave (the bathroom) is him being willfully ignorant. He knew exactly what you meant, but he wants to throw a tantrum.” lostalldoubt86

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your son is very close.

Why doesn’t your son just use the toilet and not flush it? I’m pretty sure nobody in your household is going to be offended by seeing some yellow water in a toilet. This is just such a stupid thing that your son is doing. I cannot understand his thought process. Have you asked him? Again, I think your son absolutely knew what you meant when you said to get out. He’s just, again, making something out of nothing. Did he maybe not want to move and is this his passive-aggressive way of making that known? I also want to know what your h thinks about the shower peeing. And get your h some earplugs.” Mentalcomposer

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your husband and son are though.

You honestly would’ve been totally alright to kick him out of the house, but you didn’t even mean it like that and your husband still came for you. So he’s upset with you for no reason. And he didn’t even bother to clean it; he apparently never does. I’d make my son clean it himself, let alone when my wife has told him to and he says no. I’d even clean it myself and punish him some other way before I leave it for my wife to clean, whether you’re injured or not. And your son obviously just doesn’t care and is facing literally no consequences. They both need to get their act together, and I hope you let that be known because this is insane behavior.” nigrivamai

“My sister (20sF) expressed interest in getting a dog or cat about two months ago, and was visiting shelters to try to achieve that goal. Every shelter she went to turned her down for a dog due to the hours she worked, the hours I worked, and the size of the apartment we both live in. For context, I leave the apartment at 6:30 am, work until 6:15 pm, and arrive home by 7:30 pm. My sister leaves for work at 8 am, and returns home at 9:30 pm if she’s not working overtime. On days she works overtime, she returns home well after 11 pm.

I was not actively involved in the process, so I was ignorant of the search.

Around three weeks ago, I was alerted that my sister was going to be adopting a dog from someone who needed to rehome theirs due to having it in an apartment without alerting the landlord. I was then asked to take care of the dog when I came home from work, and my sister would take over responsibilities in the mornings, on weekends, and the moment she got home from work. I offered a trial period so I could see if the idea was feasible.

Well, on July 30th, the dog finally arrived, 24 hours after I received a positive illness diagnosis. And the dog ended up being a 1-year-old German Shepherd dog.

My sister was responsible for the dog all day that day; then on the 31st, she walked the dog in the morning, returned, left the dog in the house without telling me if he did his business outside, and ended up working overtime that day. I walked the dog and witnessed destructive behavior from the dog that day. The next day, it was a repeat of the events on the 31st. I told my sister that what I saw was something that could not be sustained due to our work schedules. The well-being of the dog would be neglected because of our schedules, and that would just be wrong. My sister made the decision to call the previous owner to take back the dog.

It’s been about five days since the dog was taken back by the previous owner, and my sister has posted all over her social media that I’m a selfish person and apparently hateful.

My mother believes that the right call was made. So am I the jerk for having my sister return the dog?”

Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. Dogs are not toys you play with when you have time. They are a commitment that you need to care for. As an owner of a German Shepherd (3yr old) that I adopted last year, I promise you that you did the best thing for the dog. A German Shepherd needs regular exercise and interaction or else they will be destructive, that is a fact. Tell her to get a fish. It sounds like that would be the best pet for her. If she’s adamant that she wants to have a dog on her 1-2 days off a week, shelters are always looking for volunteers, or she could offer dog walking services on those days.” Jane-36

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

I have GSDs. I got my most recent one when he was a year old. Your sister is a hugely selfish jerk and dumb as a post to boot if she thought bringing an adolescent working dog into an apartment where it would probably need to be created 20 hours a day was remotely OK. She’s getting turned down by shelters because it’s selfish, stupid, and cruel to subject a highly social companion animal with complex emotional needs and stimulation needs to a life of perpetual boredom and confinement — or a brutal death from bowel obstruction when it chews up and eats a non-food item while being essentially abandoned all day. Get her a stuffed animal, don’t subject a living creature to the crappy life she could offer it.” hellhound_wrangler

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, there was a valid reason her application to adopt a dog was denied.

Your sister is selfish and only thinks about her want for a dog and not the actual dog or what goes into looking after a dog. Then, out of all the breeds, she got a German Shepherd. A large dog breed that needs a lot of space, training, and exercise. They are not an ideal breed for first-time dog owners. Your sister is ridiculous. You made the right call.” Ace_boy08

“In my culture, a baptism is a huge thing and a very important event. It’s also very unusual to not have it. This is sort of difficult for me because I get a lot of crap from my parents about it, but especially my mom. I got married this year (the wedding kind of sucked, but the light point of this year has been the honeymoon). Because of financial reasons, my husband and I weren’t able to go on our honeymoon right after our wedding. So we’re taking our honeymoon about three months afterward.

We’ve already booked and paid for most of our trip now.

My brother, with whom I’m in very, very low contact, is having a baby (yay). He has one child already, and I was supposed to go to that child’s baptism, but I got sick days before. And it seems that the second baby’s baptism will be just around the time I’m on my honeymoon. My mother said she would try to persuade my brother to have the baptism one day after or one day prior to us going on our honeymoon. My brother and parents live eight hours away.

It would cost us at least 400 USD extra to go, and we’ve used up our vacation days already, and we really can’t afford it now.

My mother suggested going back from our honeymoon early (cancel some of our plans) so we could attend the baptism, and I said absolutely no way. I also said she shouldn’t try to persuade my brother to plan the baptism according to my plans; they should set a date that works for them so others can plan accordingly. Afterward, they said things like “I can’t believe you don’t want to see your poor little niece” and “your brother is so kind to you.”

The thing is, I absolutely hate going there. They’re super condescending, treat and my brother extremely differently, and my brother absolutely loves making fun of me (especially in front of large crowds).

Afterward, I always have a period of serious depression. I don’t want to give up the only positive thing I have going for me right now, but I also don’t want to make the relationship I have with my family worse by being a jerk.

So AITJ?

Another User Comments:
“Go on your honeymoon as planned and turn your phone off. If you have one sane relative, you can leave them unblocked and they can tell you if something really, really important happens at home, like a car wreck or a tree falls on somebody’s house. But your presence at the baptism of a child you have probably never met, who lives hours from you, with people who are rude to you, can go ahead without your participation or presence.

NTJ” YouthNAsia63

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t go to the one for bro’s first child and the world did not end. Go on your honeymoon, have a great time, and don’t give the baptism a second thought. You get to decide what is important to you, not anyone else. When they start the guilt, just say it is too bad they scheduled it during a time everyone knew you would be on your trip. Lay the blame on them. Do not fall for their guilt trip. You are an adult and your life, and your plans come first.” Important-Pay-7459

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Welcome to married life where you and your partner are a team and you’re the top priority.

You already are paying towards this much-deserved honeymoon, and you deserve it. Life happens and sometimes we can’t make things. The baptism is for the sake of the child’s salvation (I don’t believe it myself) and its pageantry is gross. Send your condolences. Sorry you can’t make it, and you’ll see them another time. It’s eight hours away, which is exhausting right before or after a vacation. You also don’t seem to have a healthy relationship with your family, so why suffer when you don’t have to. I also hope you consider seeing a therapist to work through people-pleasing and setting boundaries to protect yourself.” archetyping101

“Today was my stepson’s first day of school. My dog and I walked him to the bus stop this morning. Shortly after we got there, a man, who I assumed was one of the neighbors, turned to me and said “Who are you?” His tone was not friendly. I said “Excuse me?” and he repeated himself.

Since his tone was rude, I didn’t know him, and I didn’t see a pressing reason why he would need that information, I ended the conversation by choosing to ignore him. I turned back to my stepson and continued our conversation about school.

After a few seconds he tried to get my attention again, but I ignored him. When the bus came, all the kids got on. I waved goodbye to my stepson and then stood there until the bus pulled away.

The man at the bus stop said “Did you not hear me trying to talk to you?” I said I heard him, and then I walked away. He called after me, but I did not respond. I told my wife about the exchange that night while we were making dinner, and she was a little bewildered. She asked why I didn’t just answer him. I said his tone was rude, so I didn’t see any benefit to having a conversation with him.

She was confused, but she said she wasn’t there and trusted my judgment.

At dinner I asked my stepson if he recognized the guy that was talking to me, and he said he was Mr. Redacted. My wife said she knows who that is, but she has only ever met him at HOA meetings. My stepdaughter said she knew his daughter and she is very nice, but she didn’t have anything to say about him except that he is “boring” and “old,” which are also what she says about me, so not particularly helpful.

I Am Wondering if I should have engaged with him, even though I found him off-putting. It’s possible the cadence of his voice naturally comes off as rude, and his daughter is apparently friendly with my stepdaughter, so maybe a cordial acquaintanceship would be mutually beneficial.

I wanted to ask my wife her opinion, but she’s not impartial, because she’s my wife.

Do you think I was rude to him, or was he rude to me? Or were we both rude? Or Is it impossible to say without actually hearing the tone he used?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He was definitely rude. I am not even sure what the best answer would have been, considering that you will probably be facing him every single morning in the future at the bus top. I don’t think you really need to hear the tone to know that “Who are you?” is not an appropriate question.” Maximum-Swan-1009

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

If he was trying to be nice, he shouldn’t have come up accusatory and demanded to know who you are. If his daughter and your stepkid are close-ish, it may be helpful to be at least cordial with him, but he set himself up for you by ignoring him when he decided to be a jerk and not even explain who he is.” InhaleTheNight

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In Germany and Switzerland, saying anything to someone without first prefacing what you are saying with Guten Morgen or Guten Tag will get you completely ignored. In their mind, not saying good day before talking to someone just proves you are a total jerk, so why would they waste air on a jerk?

This dude’s social skills are clearly lacking. You did an admirable job of retraining him on social graces. Keep it up until he figures it out.” Consistent_Oil_1188

“So for context, I (30F) am childfree by choice. I decided in my early 20s that children weren’t for me because the maternal gene just isn’t there for me. My friends and my sisters have children; I love them, but I don’t get that awww feeling most people do.

Also for context, growing up I always felt like a letdown. My mum wanted a girl (I was her fourth born after three boys), but I was chubby as a child (still overweight now, but I’m working on it) and wasn’t too interested in your stereotypical girl things (to clarify, that is my mum’s opinion of girl things, not mine) like clothes, make-up, and such.

She used to try and force me into it, telling me I needed to lose weight or no one would want to go out with me, and she put me on Slimfast (a diet drink/snack in the UK) all while I was a preteen. Now I genuinely think she did what she thought was best for me, but all it did was make me feel like I’d let her down as a daughter.

Move to now: my sister is pregnant with her third child, and the subject came around to children. My mum said it would be my turn soon—I repeated that I don’t want children; I’m not maternal. She did her usual “When you have one, you will change your mind,” so I said, “I can’t play Russian roulette with a child’s life like that; it’s not happening.” (She has eight children, three grandkids, two on the way, and two step-grandkids, for whom my sister has been a common law stepmum for ten years.

She does not need me to have grandchildren.)

She usually shuts up after that, but she pressed the issue and kept asking why, saying that now I’m 30 she thought I’d want one. I said something along the lines of, “Well, I remember what it felt like to be a letdown as a child, and I don’t want another child to feel that way. I’m not maternal, and I’m not taking that risk.” I didn’t mention her at all—just that very basic, blunt statement. She got upset, and my sister said I was AITJ for mentioning our childhood in such a brash way, but I think that while I was frustrated, she backed me into a corner somewhat.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you feel that way, then you’re NTJ. You feel that way, and even if it weren’t her intentions, it still made you feel that way. She’s just upset that she is the cause of it. Your sister probably can’t relate at all, so she thinks it was all woody dandy, but that’s because she can’t see outside her perspective lens. You’re NTJ, but they probably could never understand.” Perspectiveiskeyyk

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You feel the way you feel, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You should have a conversation with your mom and tell her how you feel and how you felt as a kid.

Go about it in a nonconfrontational way; explain that you’re not blaming or trying to make her feel bad, but share how you felt as a child and how it’s impacting your life now.” onescaryarmadillo

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your choice not to have kids, and other people shouldn’t push the issue. It sounds like your childhood was, at the very least, rough. If your mother did not want you to speak about your childhood in a negative light, she should not have done the things she did.” WitherRoze

“So my (30F) husband (32M) is a very busy guy. He has a full-time day job as well as he farms on weekday evenings and on weekends (basically any spare time). We have 3 very young children. Needless to say, we do not get a ton of time together whether with family or alone. We have both found ways that this arrangement works for us, and on that front I have no complaints.

My complaint is that, especially on weekends, my husband will drink several beers throughout the day while he works on the farm and probably a few more at night.

If he were to get in at 7 or 8 PM when I am FINALLY able to see him, I hate when he comes in tipsy. It’s not like he’s intoxicated (that has happened but not often), but he drinks enough to be a little louder, slurring some words, and just overall annoying for a sober person to be around. Totally functional, he’s not coming in and passing out. But I honestly just find him annoying to be around, and it makes me want to go to bed. This leads us to spend no quality time.

This doesn’t happen all the time, but also I’ve been finding myself lately trying to control what he drinks so this doesn’t happen.

Like saying to him when he leaves the house, “Please only have one or two,” etc. I feel like if I don’t say it, he’ll just end up drinking too much. He never fights me on it and is usually good about not drinking when I vocalize it.

On one hand, I don’t want to feel controlling by having to repeatedly tell him when he leaves the house not to drink too much. But on the other, because he works so much and we spend so little time together, I just find it unfair that he would come in in a state that he knows is not enjoyable to be around.

And just to add, the farm that he spends so much time on is currently not bringing in any income, and it won’t for a long time.

So this is something that is not providing for our family but something my husband is trying to build up. I feel like I am trying to help him with his dream of this farm while taking care of our 3 kids, and that’s why it hurts so much when we don’t get that quality time.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but why not talk to him about it? Also, he seems overly reliant on booze. He seems to be either a heavy drinker or on his way to becoming one. Maybe I’m a killjoy, but for working on the farm, it seems something like Gatorade would do better for his fluids than beer.” extinct_diplodocus

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

If you’re afraid to bring this up to him, then you definitely know something isn’t right. There’s also not enough info here for me to properly judge your husband’s character. Go watch some of 2BeBetters podcasts on YouTube. It sounds like there are other personality flaws in your husband that need to be resolved. The booze isn’t the core issue here, it seems.” [deleted]

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t know if you should go at it from a controlling perspective, but rather explain why his behavior is unpleasant to be around. You could remind him occasionally, but you aren’t his mother. Ultimately, he has to decide for himself to know his limits, and you have to find a boundary.

I’ve been in this situation and the drinking honestly got worse. The once annoying behavior turned into rage. He only drank a few days a week, but when he did drink, it spun out of control quickly. I left him, and I know he regrets it, but I gave him several chances to quit and many with ultimatums.” [deleted]

“My son recently turned 22. He’s my only child, so I’ve devoted all my time and attention to ensuring he’ll have a good life. I sent him to the best private schools, got him extra tutoring, signed him up for extracurriculars and athletics, taught him practical life skills like woodworking and how to do basic DIY, and even taught him to play guitar so he could get all the girls. He was the coolest kid for a long time, and everyone liked him. He had an excellent social life and incredible academics.

But a couple of days before graduation, he chose to stay out late one night and use substances with his friends, and looking back, I can pinpoint that as the start of his problems.

Substances are fine for most people, but mental illness runs in my family and psychedelics are one thing he should never have messed with. He was acting off for a while afterward, but nothing serious enough to affect him negatively, so I brushed it off as normal teenager-to-adult transitioning.

I was wrong. In the second year of college, he had a full-on mental breakdown, which came out of nowhere, as he’d been fitting in very well and was near the top of the class. He’s since recovered from that extreme episode, but obviously, he’s not the same as he was before. He’s lost friends and is no longer doing as well in school.

He’s been advised to take on less work, not to stay up late, avoid certain triggers, and, of course, to take meds, etc. etc.

He hates his life now and is rarely in a good mood. I put up with it because I understand that what he’s going through is hard. But a few days ago, he said I should have warned him about my family history when he was younger. It’s true that I never said anything. But I was trying to protect him. I didn’t want him freaking out about losing his mind all the time and limiting himself because of it. I still warned him about the risks of substances.

It was ultimately his decision to take them anyway, and I’m not to blame for that or any of his other struggles for that matter.

We argued about this for a while, and he finally said I never should have had him in the first place and walked out. I’ve tried to talk to him again, but he won’t answer calls and leaves my texts on read. AITJ for what I said?”

Another User Comments:
“It seems to me like the substances and the mental breakdown are completely unrelated, especially if he only did it once and the breakdown happened over a year later. I’m mentally ill as heck and I smoke occasionally, but I feel like all of my episodes have happened when I was completely sober.

I don’t doubt that substances can exacerbate mental health problems, though, but again, is there even a pattern here? Please correct me if I’m wrong. I want to say ESH because I think he’s placing too much blame on you and acting out because of his episode — trust, I’ve been there. But you not telling him about your family history of mental illness was kind of messed up too. I think this is really just a miscommunication problem tbh.” 80scassettetape

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This smells of emotional neglect and evading accountability on your part. You should have at least warned him about family genetics and being predisposed to problems with certain substances, and been a better support for him dealing with all of this.

It seems like you imposed incredibly high standards on your son, and he’s dealing with the fallout of feeling like a failure, and on top of that, you’re not mature enough to support him or take accountability for something important like not disclosing the family genetics thing. This is traumatic emotional neglect and invalidation.” lumpenprolet4riat

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Isn’t it the late teens to early twenties when a lot of mental illnesses manifest? Likely the substance use is coincidental to the illness. You should have been more forthcoming with medical information. That said, you’re right that you’re not to blame for his problems, but you are the jerk for implying he is.

He may have exacerbated his mental illness with substance use, but he probably didn’t cause it.” User

“My partner and I have been together for 2 years. We own a house together (we contribute equally) but do not have combined finances. We split the mortgage; he pays all of the bills, and I buy all of the groceries. On average, over 12 months, these even out completely (we have a spreadsheet). A week ago, my purse was stolen, and I haven’t gotten my cards back yet. My partner gave me one of his cards and told me to feel comfortable using it for whatever, and that I can pay him back for personal stuff.

It’s been fine for a week now, but yesterday I went grocery shopping.

For context, I leave on Monday for a month to work across the country. I do most of the cooking at home (he does cleaning and the yard work for the most part), and my partner is horribly busy during the week. He typically works 80 hours between MF. Usually, when I leave for a week or two, I like to meal prep some stuff for him to throw in the freezer, so he doesn’t resort to fast food all week (not controlling his food; I just know he prefers a real meal to constant takeout).

The issue: I texted him yesterday that I was going to go grocery shopping and would have to use his card (even though this is usually a “me” expense).

He said, “no problem, thanks!” I texted him afterward to tell him that I spent $320 and felt really bad that it all cost so much. He knows I usually spend $120 per week on our groceries. When he got home, he brought up that I should have texted him first before spending that much more than expected, and that it really surprised him. I explained that I was shopping for his meal prep, and he said that it wasn’t about how much I spent but rather that it surprised him. He said I was being tactless, but he knew I planned to shop for his groceries, so what did he expect?”

Another User Comments:
“I would say no jerks here (except maybe him for calling you a jerk), just a lack of communication.

A $200 difference is a pretty big jump in expectations regardless of how much money you make. If I’m loaning someone access to my bank account, I would also want to know roughly how much to expect to be taken out of my account during a shopping trip. But also, it’s not like you went on a shopping spree — it was stuff you needed to accommodate being out of town. Perhaps you should have said that it would probably be more than expected ahead of time, but we don’t always think of these things ahead of time, so I wouldn’t deem that such a big slight as to call you a jerk over it.” EeveeBailey

Another User Comments:
“I mean… just say, ‘In the future, I’ll let you know if I’m going to make a larger than usual purchase on your card,’ and move on.

It’s not like he was screaming at you about it; he just brought up that it surprised him and that he’d appreciate a heads-up in the future. YTJ if you double down instead of just noting that this is something that matters to him.” Outrageously_Penguin

Another User Comments:
“I wouldn’t go as far as to call you a jerk because this was a kind gesture you were doing. But I think a heads-up is warranted if you know in advance you’ll be spending more than usual on an expense someone else’s card is being used for. $200 more than usual is quite a bit. Like he said, he was just shocked and would have appreciated the communication there.” kitsbow

“Spouse and I are both really good at making general half-plans and then not following through with them. Like “Shall we go for a long walk at the weekend?” and then not leaving the house all weekend because we both get stuck into our individual hobbies. We both have several independent interests that we can get lost in for hours at a time, and it’s not uncommon that on the weekend we’ll be sat in the same room all day but be entirely oblivious to each other’s presence until one or the other gets up for food, etc.

For the most part, I think we’re both fairly happy with this arrangement. We can entertain ourselves all day and then meet up for food / watching a movie, etc. in the evenings.

Until Spouse brought up the notion of both of us “taking some time off work to do ‘something’.” In theory, it’s a fine idea, and we both have holiday allowance from our respective jobs to use up, but I am completely convinced that if we go down this route, then we will just do what we do every single other time and lapse into self-absorbed hobby time that quickly eats up the entire break with nothing to show for it, and kind of feel like we do enough of this at the weekends anyway. I’m something of a workaholic. I like to keep busy, and I always seem to end up stressing more about having not done “enough” with my holiday than I would be by simply not taking time off and going into the office. ... Click here to continue reading