People Battle It Out In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“It’s my daughter’s birthday coming up. For her birthday and Christmas last year, I provided lists and photos with ideas for what to get my daughter because they asked for ideas as they didn’t know what to get. I include prices of varying degrees because I don’t know their budgets and where to get them from. I also said it doesn’t have to be from the shop I chose if they want to look for similar things elsewhere.

I provided those ideas to both of my brothers, my mum, and my ex (my daughter’s dad).

My brothers chose something not on the list but that my daughter liked. I appreciate the effort they put in, especially when they don’t see her often because of distance. But both my mum and my ex, instead of just choosing something and telling me what they got (so I don’t get it too), asked me to just pick something and they’ll give me the money. I asked how much they wanted to spend, etc., and never really got an answer.

Eventually, I just pick something and they’re okay with that, and I make sure they get the credit and “thank you” from my daughter.

Except, I’m resentful that they’re not putting in any effort.

My ex doesn’t have 50/50 custody because he doesn’t have space for her to stay with him or time with his altered shift pattern. My mum works part-time.

AITJ if I refuse because I hate the extra effort that I have to put in on their behalf? These are the 2 people who are closest to her besides me.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If you decline doing every part of getting the gift instead of just most of it, that means your kid gets the idea that those people don’t care about her.

She will actually be right about that. You care. You put in the effort to show you care. You don’t need to also do a whole mirror show to pretend other people care as much as you do. Of course, I hope your mom and ex will actually get their act together when you stop carrying their load in addition to your own, but if they don’t, it’s not a failure on your part, and pretending doesn’t actually help as much as we’d like. She has you. She has your brothers.” dryadduinath

Another User Comments:

“Many years ago, I had to decide what to do about my mum’s gift-giving.

She likes to just give me a lump sum in November for everyone for Christmas – myself, my 2 daughters, my son, and my granddaughters. I decided that in order to get each person something they’d really like, I’d let her do that. She gives me the money, I buy and wrap for all “my” family. My sister does the same. However, I do not pretend that my mum has shopped! Everyone knows my mum paid, but I put in the effort!” Least_Razzmatazz6294

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here, I understand the frustrations with this situation. Was it always like this? What about the list?

Was your mom’s and ex’s behavior the same when it came to your gifts? You can be disappointed and hurt but not surprised; that’s just who they are and they will never change. (My parents were the same.) That being said, look at it from a different perspective. Your daughter will never get a gift she doesn’t want or need. None of those cheap 99-cent quick makeup, accessories, or purses. It will always be given with love. Believe me, when she gets older, she will know what you did for her and how much you love her, and spare her the hurt and disappointment from her grandma and father if she doesn’t already. Would you rather your daughter receive what she wants or likes or be disappointed by getting crappy gifts or money just thrown at her? Either way, those two will not change. Just be selfish and get what you think she wants or needs with their money (extra money to spend). In an ideal world, they’d change and make an effort. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love her. It still hurts. The lesser of 2 evils. You’re a good mom. Take care. Good luck.” Particular-Peanut-64

“My husband (33M) and I (30F) have been going to the gym three times a week since 2023, after doing home workouts. Our routine involves cardio followed by either an arm or leg workout. My husband prefers to do cardio first, but I find it tiring and think it impacts my weightlifting performance.

To keep cardio interesting, I switch between the bike, elliptical, rowing machine, and treadmill and watch something on my phone. However, my husband believes I’m not putting in enough effort when I choose anything other than the treadmill, which will lead to him getting in a bad mood.

Recently, I opted for the elliptical while recovering from a cold and dealing with a persistent headache. I also received disappointing job news just before heading to the gym yesterday. So, boring treadmill running wasn’t what I wanted to do.

The cardio workouts aren’t mere 5-10 minute warm-ups but 30-minute sessions, and afterward, I struggle to push through my weightlifting sets effectively. Nonetheless, I’ve been gradually increasing my weights and focusing on lower reps to conserve energy for my next sets while not going into full failure.

While I understand I should be working out for myself, our regimen is based on what my husband wants and doesn’t really consider what I want to work on.

I take one rest day a week, while on the other three days, I either run for 30 minutes outdoors (which he thinks isn’t long enough), go for an hour-long walk, or do abs/yoga at home.

Our gym sessions typically take place from 6 PM to 8:45 PM on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays.

Before anyone asks, we’ve been married nearly 10 years.

I’ve expressed this all before multiple times (and very recently). We also do two arm and one leg workout each week. He would rather do an extra gym day than me taking an arm day to do my own thing. Neither of us is overweight (he was before I met him and I’m sure that’s why he’s overly obsessed about working out).

So, am I the jerk for not doing the treadmill every gym session and not going to failure during every set?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Girl. What. He can be obsessed with his own routine. It is deeply concerning that he is this weird and particular about yours.

Literally, what could it possibly matter if you do weights then cardio? How could it possibly affect him if you use… an elliptical…. instead of his treasured treadmill? Why does it put him in an irritated mood if he doesn’t think you’re working out hard enough?? Why is the regimen centered around his needs and preferences? Why can’t he work out on his own?? What, what, what, what? Ok, what does he do if you refuse? Like, just, do your own thing? How big of an issue is this, exactly? How does he punish you for doing your own thing, to the point that you need to gently bring it up a few times and wait for his permission before just… doing workouts your way.” FullMoonTwist

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, not even close.

He is being a jerk. Workouts are different for everyone. I have to do an hour run before lifting as it doesn’t tire me out (and in fact I feel better after the cardio). For others, this doesn’t work. I don’t go to total failure every time, either. I’ve injured myself from overtraining and I take at least one full rest day each week. You do what works for you, he should do what works for him and he should respect your choices. Not every workout needs to be a huge effort — even when I ran in college, we had easy days and rest days. No coach ever pushed us hard every single workout unless they wanted injured athletes. Where is he getting these ideas from? Who is he to say 30 minutes isn’t a long enough run? He sounds very controlling — even projecting — his issues onto you. It’s time to have a serious talk with him and find out why he’s like this.” [deleted]

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I always see it recommended to NOT do cardio before weightlifting for exactly the reaction you describe. It tires you out and can affect your performance with the weights. If it works for him, great, but it doesn’t work for you and that’s okay.

Not going at 100% when recovering from sickness or injury is completely normal and healthy behavior. Pushing yourself beyond your limits all the time will only end in fatigue and possibly injury. I’m not a personal trainer or medical professional, but you seem like a perfectly normal active person. Rest days are crucial to recovery and there’s nothing wrong with taking a full day off from any activity, even. I’m not trying to armchair diagnose, and I recognize this is just a snippet of his behavior, but is your husband also this critical with both of your eating habits? He sounds like he’s going overboard and could possibly be entering eating/exercise disorder territory. I can understand him wanting you both to be healthy, but this is turning into an obsession. You feel like the jerk for not taking his feelings into consideration about your workouts, but where is he taking yours into consideration? Does your gym have personal trainers/nutritionists/dieticians? Maybe scheduling an appointment with one (even if under the guise of helping “you”) will help show him he’s taking this too far.” Scared_Ad2563

“I (19f) was left at home while my sister (30f) and her kid (7f) went to a family reunion we were all supposed to go to. I had been told we were leaving at 5 after my sister got off work. I had all of my things with me and was ready to go by 3, as I knew she occasionally got off early.

At 3:30, she had gotten off early and called for her kid, and I just assumed she was getting her ready since I was in the bathroom and she had specifically only called for her daughter.

When I got out of the bathroom, everyone had already gone, and I was left alone in a house with no food. I called my sister and asked if they had seriously just left, and she told me yes because she had told me to be ready by the time she was home.

I got kind of upset at her implication that my peeing meant I was unprepared, and I raised my voice at her for leaving without even checking if I was actually ready. So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your sister didn’t even check to see if you were ready? And you WERE actually ready but were in the washroom?

She didn’t announce she was leaving and when she called her daughter it was just a call out, and not a “Get out the door” notice? She forgot you and doesn’t want to take responsibility. If you’re the driver for a group, you check on the group before you leave. Now, if she checked and you weren’t ready, that’s on you. But she didn’t check and you had no way to know you couldn’t have three minutes to go potty, so that’s on her.” rockology_adam

Another User Comments:

“If you are not having trouble with your sister and other things aren’t in play (do you work?

Pay rent? Provide childcare?), I would go petty immediately and post on SM that she deliberately left you at home and you are so sad to miss the family reunion and be at home with no car without anything to eat. But I do wonder why you are an adult dependent on your sister. Any plans to get a job, a car, and at least contribute as an equal roommate?” dontlikebeige

Another User Comments:

“Unless “I raised my voice” actually means “I screamed at her,” you are NTJ. She didn’t even bother to check if you were ready. Next time this sort of scenario comes up (sister is supposed to give you a ride to a family event), I would ask her, politely but repeatedly, to make sure to let you know that the ride is leaving.” Foreign_Plan_5256

“I (21F) recently graduated from college with a bachelor’s degree and have been looking for full-time work in my field. Soon after my graduation, my family planned to leave the country to visit relatives and sell our parents’ house, with the intention of leaving the United States altogether. I chose not to go with them, as I’d rather live in the US and I don’t get along well with our family in the other country. My dad (67M) decided to stay with me.

While I’ve been searching for a full-time job, I worked as a cashier earning a decent but not livable wage.

I have my own bank account, but my parents have control over it and can add or withdraw funds whenever they want. This is the same for my sister (22F) and brother (19M). A few weeks after my family arrived in the new country, I noticed that the majority of the money I had earned had been taken out of my account. I asked my mom (57F) if she took it, and she suggested that we hold a family meeting about finances. I agreed, and we arranged for a time that would work for the whole family.

During this conversation, I asked if I could keep every other paycheck or at least a minimum amount from each paycheck so that I could pay off student loans and save up to eventually move out.

I won’t get into the details of the interaction, as I don’t think a lot of it is relevant, but things became heated and my mom made it clear that she wouldn’t allow it. After the conversation, my dad tried to console me and figure out a way to resolve things. We agreed to have another call to sort things out.

During the second conversation, I restated that I wanted to keep some, not all, of my paycheck so that I could save money. I did not mention moving out because I believed that was what made my mom upset last time. My siblings, mom, and dad made it clear that I wouldn’t be able to keep my paychecks and that they would instead go toward paying off the money my family spent on my college education.

Afterwards, my parents would continue to take my paychecks, but I would be able to ask for the amount back if I wanted to buy a car, pay for my wedding, etc. They assured me they would keep track of the amount that they took.

I ended the conversation as calmly as I could, but I felt trapped. My partner (20M) had previously said that he had made plans if I needed to leave home in a hurry, and I told him I needed to leave that night. It’s been a month since then, and I’ve been slowly building a life in a different state. I have control over my finances, a full-time job in my field, and a support system.

I don’t regret moving, but I’m worried I made the wrong decision by leaving my dad home alone, especially since he’s in his sixties. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You weren’t just moving out, you were taking back control of your life. Your parents were literally taking your paycheck and dictating how you, a college graduate, could use your own money. That’s not support, that’s control. You gave them multiple chances to meet you halfway, and they refused. As for your dad, yes, it’s understandable to feel guilty, but he’s an adult who made his choice to stay.

You can still love and care about him from a distance, but you’re not responsible for putting your future on hold to keep him company. You did what was necessary to protect your independence and well-being, and honestly? It sounds like you’re thriving now. You should be proud of yourself.” Shot_Ad2022

Another User Comments:

“INFO: I could pay off student loans … go toward paying off the money my family spent on my college education. Isn’t that the same thing, or do you have separate student loans aside from what your parents spent? My parents would continue to take my paychecks, but I would be able to ask for the amount back if I wanted to buy a car, pay for my wedding, etc.

Why are they taking the entire paycheck? That makes no sense. Did they do the same with your sister?” certified-cynic

Another User Comments:

“I’m not sure what culture you come from, but in Western civilization, we call that emotional and financial abuse. You owe your parents, and your extended family, a grand total of…$0. Them paying for your education, unless it was stated as a loan, is part of BEING A PARENT! Get a separate bank account, and deposit 100% of your paycheck, both now and when you get a job in your field, into that account. Do not share the bank account details with anyone, including your partner (too young, too early for that).

After paying for your expenses, YOU can decide how much YOU feel like sending to your family, IF ANY. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, real or imagined, are you to take care of their wants before your needs. As to Dad, assuming he’s not in mental or physical decline, he has made his own decision to stay here. Given how your mom reacted, I don’t blame him. The man probably needs a break from Captain Controlling. Now, he can decide to stay by himself, go back to that country with the rest of the family, or whatever. He’s a grown man, capable of making his own decisions. Loving your family doesn’t come with an obligation to be their indentured servant.” No_Yogurtcloset_1687

“My in-laws are in town, which means that we have a bunch of picky eaters. My sibling-in-law (NB) has no celiac symptoms, but the blood test says that they have celiac disease. We are respectful of this, choosing restaurants that offer gluten‐free menus and use separate cookware. They are now insisting that we go to restaurants that meet full celiac criteria. However, In & Out and Asian food with gluten‐free menus are in. This is a problem because MIL is a picky eater and doesn’t like much Asian food beyond Sweet and Sour Chicken.

My frustration is that they don’t do the research to find places that everyone might enjoy (2 seniors, 4 adults, 2 children under 5).

When we try to find places, they veto everything. I’m happy to eat at gluten‐friendly places. My struggle is that they are behaving like they have an anaphylactic allergy when they don’t have any symptoms of gluten intolerance other than one blood test.

Most recently, they vetoed several gluten‐friendly choices due to the legal disclosure that, while the restaurant does everything they can to avoid cross‐contamination, they cannot be held liable for mistakes (standard legalese). I pointed out that their chosen restaurants also had this verbiage.

They then left the room and are currently not speaking to me. AITJ for asking them to do the work to find places that everyone could enjoy?

And yes, it’s a control battle because, between them and MIL, almost no options are available.

I’m just frustrated because my toddler and my preschooler are less unreasonable about food.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but you’re taking the wrong tack here. How is this even your problem? I know, I know. You have to try and keep peace with the in-laws to keep peace with your partner. But this fight is in-law on in-law. Why are you involved in this at all? Your reaction here, with your partner taking the point position on it, is to tell them you aren’t going out to dinner unless you are specifically invited to a place they have already chosen. No discussion, no getting involved.

You let them know that you are open to whatever and have no allergies (or let them know what requirements you do have) and ask them where to meet them. Abdicate the responsibility. It’s not your responsibility at all. MIL and SIL need to figure their crap out, and leave you out of it. And stick to it. Now, if by “in town” you mean staying with you, there are added wrinkles, but also added options. Keep a couple of frozen, gluten‐free pizzas in your freezer, and default to those whenever they can’t make up their mind. They aren’t half bad when you eat them with a sprinkling of moral superiority, but you can cook a gluten‐free one on its own pan and then cook a gluten‐restrained one for everyone else if you feel generous.” rockology_adam

Another User Comments:

“YTJ and so is your MIL.

Celiac is a disease that is managed by being as strict as possible. Any amount of exposure to gluten adds to the damage to the intestines over time. Just because they’re not anaphylactic doesn’t mean it’s not cumulative. Your MIL is the one who needs to ease up. Not liking Asian food isn’t a dietary restriction. Also!! Unless you’re especially close, your SIL is most likely not going to tell you even if they are symptomatic because the main symptom of celiac is diarrhea and other nasty gut issues. There’s most likely a reason they got the test in the first place…” softboicraig

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

I have celiac disease that wasn’t diagnosed until my late 20s. I’m “asymptomatic” in that I don’t have any immediate reactions to gluten, but the long‐term damage and inflammation in my gut got so bad over time that I lost the ability to absorb iron, making me severely anemic. In some ways, I have to be MORE careful than someone who has noticeable reactions to gluten, because I have to completely rely on restaurants being careful and providing honest information. It’s stressful thinking about how restaurant food could be seriously damaging my body and I might not even know. It sounds like your sibling-in-law may be being over-cautious, but I still say YTJ for dismissing their concerns and acting like they don’t even have a diagnosis when they have celiac antibodies in their system—especially since information about celiac is readily available on the internet.” Weird-Message9432

“I (34F) have two siblings: an older sister (36F) and a younger brother (32M). My brother lived with our parents rent-free, not helping with chores, and had no steady job or savings until age 30, when his now-ex-partner got him to move in with her. He was diagnosed with clinical depression about seven years ago, eventually got on the right meds, and underwent partial hospitalization for three months two years ago.

The Situation:

Our mom (72F) is the primary caregiver for our dad (81M), who needs 24/7 supervision. She scheduled surgery for late March, which we knew about a month in advance.

My sister created a group chat to coordinate who could help, and I immediately committed, arranging childcare and working remotely. My brother never responded.

Over the next month, my sister repeatedly called him to confirm if he could help, but he avoided answering. The day before the surgery, my sister finally got confirmation that he’d stay the night at our parents’ house and leave in the morning.

Day of Surgery:

My sister took our mom to the hospital, and I arrived via public transportation to take care of our dad. My brother never showed up or texted.

At 3 PM, he called, asking if he could just not come since I was already there (I find this manipulative).

He claimed he hadn’t slept due to 16-hour shifts. I told him we all made sacrifices and needed him there. He started yelling that he’d already “done so much in the past” and that I was being rude, so I hung up.

He finally arrived that night but immediately asked why I hadn’t left. I explained that (1) he never asked about my plans, and (2) I took public transport, so leaving wasn’t feasible. He flipped out, called me names, and blamed me for “risking his life” by making him drive while tired.

The Next Morning:

My sister called, saying she’d rather he not pick up our mom because he wasn’t willing to figure out parking and insisted she come down instead.

Despite his alleged exhaustion, he woke up at 11 AM with no shift in sight and still didn’t help.

I confronted him, simply asking: Why didn’t you relieve our sister or me? Why didn’t you update me this morning? Instead of answering, he started yelling at me again, calling me inconsiderate for making him drive up, and making excuses. His responses:

1. You could have knocked on my door or called.
2. I didn’t think you needed to know I didn’t have a shift this morning; that doesn’t have anything to do with you.

Now he’s calling me the butthole for telling him off, and for how I treated him.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“ESH — He’s responsible for his behavior, even with the depression and other mental health issues; He is not inherently obligated to join plans to help. Yes, he could have communicated better. You and your sister could have collaborated with him instead of trying to railroad him into helping. His responses were crappy, but I think communication all the way around was seriously lacking here.” idestroycat

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your brother is a nightmare. I wouldn’t leave him alone to care for Mom or Dad for a minute. He sounds like he’s got more mentally going on than just depression and that’s not something you can fix.

Better to cut contact than to endure his verbal abuse or be expected to enable him. I’d be very clear to my family that no one should ever tell me to go easy on him again and to stop enabling his selfish, manipulative, lying, abusive behavior. I’m sympathetic to those with depression, but I don’t see how that’s an excuse to heap hate on people who don’t deserve it.” InterruptingChicken1

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – You and your sister, healthy and coping individuals, voluntold your brother he had to help you in assisting your parents. He didn’t respond, repeatedly tried to stay out of it because he knew he couldn’t be reliable, and you enforced that he needed to be there and “doing his share”.

And you made him “do his share” even when accepting he is mentally unwell and has a history of not being able to cope would have cost you little extra. If you can say with a straight face, you’d have expected your brother with cancer or a broken leg to step up and “share the burden”, then you get a pass. But otherwise you really need to read up on mental health and accept your brother doesn’t have the capacity to help you the way he will be (asked to). Leaving his life is probably best for you both. You resent him and don’t seem to get that that is the illness. He can’t control himself, he doesn’t want to control you. But you want to minimise his needs by ignoring the fact he is clinically ill but that doesn’t matter.” Timely_Egg_6827

“I (38M) and my wife (35M, I’ll just call her Kelly) have been together 9 years, married for 5, and we have 2 kids. Recently, I’ve been getting into sim racing (mainly Assetto Corsa). For some context, I am a long-distance trucker working 50+ hour weeks and making around $170k a year. I’m usually home on Sundays, but that’s not always the case. When I am home, I usually try to do something with the family, but since I’ve found this new hobby, I’ve been spending more time there.

Kelly hasn’t liked it, as I am not home much, so when I am, she wants family time, which is perfectly understandable.

Yet, since I can’t race while working, I really don’t have any time except for when I’m home. Within the last year, she has wanted a hot tub and a new car; I’ve bought her both since money is not an issue and they would be nice.

So about 2 weeks ago, I brought up the idea that, since no one ever rides with me in my truck, I could install a sim rig in the passenger seat. I’ve seen it done before and thought it would be the best of both worlds, as I could race when not driving, and when home we could have family time.

She immediately shot down the idea, saying it’s “Just gonna be a huge waste of money.”

So, without her knowing, I took off last Monday and Tuesday to have my friend who builds custom sim rigs install one into my passenger seat. After everything was done and bought (rig, PC, wheel, shifter, monitors, etc.), it came to be around $3,700—nothing compared to what went into her $5,000 hot tub and $39,000 car. Everything is collapsible so I can see while driving, so it is not a driving hazard and doesn’t affect her at all.

When I came home this Sunday and she saw it, she went ballistic, using harsh language at me and left me to walk home (I park my truck at my shop; Kelly comes to pick me up and drives me home).

So after a 40-minute walk, I made it home to see she had taken the kids to her mother’s and wanted to talk about making smart financial decisions. This made me mad, as we have a large savings account and emergency fund, so what’s wrong with me spending my hard-earned money to splurge a bit on myself? She is a stay-at-home mom and it has been that way since we’ve met. I do all I can to make sure she has everything she needs and is happy, but I can’t have a sim rig to relax and have some fun with the boys? Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“ESH, leaning towards YTJ. It definitely sounds like I make the money, while she’s only a SAHM… so ‘I buy her things.’ If you don’t think being a SAHM is a financially good decision for your family anymore, it’s a discussion to have together. Big purchases should be discussed with both of you. If you didn’t think the hot tub was a good idea or that a cheaper car allowed more savings, that’s a discussion to have. A car isn’t a hobby; a car is a necessity in most places in the US.

And you have two kids, so she needs a safe vehicle to take them places. Are you not going to use the hot tub at all? You had less than one day a week home, and then started doing a hobby that often took that away; now you are presenting this new purchase as ‘Look, I’m making more time for my family!’ YOU TOOK OFF TWO DAYS to install this thing. Couldn’t you take off two days so that you had some family time when you see them like three days a month? When does she ever have time for ‘hobbies’? How well did you explain this thing you were buying? I’ve never heard of it. Her immediately shooting things down while not seemingly being budget conscious in general also sucks. The kids are not jerks. Poor kids.” Usrname52

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Buying a vehicle for your wife, who uses it to drive herself and your children around, isn’t the same as dumping 4k into a hobby only you enjoy. Also, you seem to think that because you make the money, you should get to enjoy stuff, while your wife stays home and spends the money you make. You’re forgetting she enables you to be on the road making that money. You don’t have to worry about childcare.

You don’t have to wonder if your kids are getting to school or their activities. She’s doing all of that. You leave and, magically, everything gets taken care of. That’s her part of the deal. So your income is your part of the deal. Men act like, because it’s their name on the paycheck, they’re booking their wife up.” bionicfeetgrl

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – I think some commenters here are confused. You did this so you could play on your off hours while you’re on the road, right? So this is in no way affecting her; in fact, it’s helping so you can have your fun, but it won’t be during the day you’re at home.

Sounds like a win-win to me. I’m also a SAHM and my husband drives; he’s home daily but still works really long hours. My mom’s partner was also an OTR driver for like 10 years. She had a video game she loves playing and would do that the entire weekend when she was home. They almost got divorced over it. Now she’s home daily so the problem fixed itself, but I’m just saying. I understand where you’re coming from and your wife. This seems like a great solution, and if money isn’t an issue, I see no problem.” Qtipsarenice147

“I (27m) am introverted. I am very clean. I am not loud or troublesome. I always pay my rent on time and follow the rules. From my perspective, I would be a landlord’s dream.

My landlord is constantly present when I am leaving or coming into my apartment; this is the case above 75% of the time. In a friendly manner, he asks where I am going or where I am coming from.

I am not always ready to talk. I want to take the garbage out, or get food, or basically live my life without being questioned by anyone else.

There are (ring) cameras that indicate “you are being recorded” whenever I leave or when I am arriving.

I appreciate the concerted effort to be my friend or care about my well-being; however, I really do wish to be left alone and keep this relationship strictly professional.

I inquired about his interest, and he just said he was curious and was trying to be helpful.

I may have been mistaken, but my attitude toward him had been, “I have a lot to do, I am an adult so I’m on my way.”

This has seemed to be taken angrily from his perspective.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Sounds like he lives on the property? He may truly be a friendly extrovert, or he may be bored, lonely, and nosey. Either way, he doesn’t sound like a good fit as a neighbor. Do you really like your rental? I’m not sure I could live next door to a landlord who was such a mismatch to my personality.

You are on the right track to minimize your responses and see if he starts backing off. But if he doesn’t or he gets angry and retaliates in any way, if he has so much free time on his hands and he’s always around, he could really make your life uncomfortable.” HowlPen

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. One person’s neighborliness is another person’s intrusive interrogation. When you are coming or going, ‘where’ is the default small talk question. And if you are just vague about it (‘shopping’ or ‘work’), no harm done. You’re not required to satisfy his curiosity.

Most people say ‘just curious’ when they’re being nosy. Your ‘I’m an adult’ comment wasn’t called for, but neither is he justified in being upset for you pushing back. Bottom line, he’s not going to refuse to renew your lease or anything just because you’re introverted. So him being a little put off just gets you what you want, which is him leaving you alone.” 1962Michael

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Set boundaries as needed. He’s a landlord, not your parent. If he feels you’re being rude, just phrase it differently like: ‘Sorry, I can’t chat right now.

I’m running late!’ There is also an art to politely keeping people talking by asking questions and not really answering theirs. They feel like they learned a lot about you and that you were really friendly but really know nothing more than before. Good skill to learn. And if all else fails, just say: ‘Sorry, man, you’re making me very uncomfortable right now.’ (Edited this part to be a bit more friendly.) Because calling them out on their behavior can stop the behavior; however, it should be a last resort because some people can see it as a slight and seek revenge by making your life miserable.” ElvyHeartsong

“My roommate and I are both women around 30 and have lived together for around a year – we didn’t know each other at all previously. Things have gone relatively smoothly as roommates, other than some frustration on my end about the fact that she doesn’t clean up after herself well, but it’s not unbearable and hasn’t been a source of conflict.

Here is the issue: She is not a good cook at all, but she thinks she is.

She gets dubious recipes from ChatGPT, and even when following a real recipe, she often makes strange alterations. On top of this, her food safety is very questionable. She frequently leaves perishable ingredients out on the counter for hours (think raw, defrosted chicken or shellfish sitting out all afternoon). She isn’t careful about cross-contamination from meats to raw veggies, and she will often leave meals in the fridge for ages and still eat them—she eats two-week-old pasta out of the fridge on a regular basis. She also doesn’t wash her hands before or during cooking and doesn’t thoroughly wash the dishes she uses either.

Now this is fine if she’s eating it herself.

She has a cast-iron stomach and she’s a grown adult, so you do you, boo. The issue is that she always wants to make big meals and share them with me. I have tried feigning disinterest by saying I’m not hungry and even pretending to feel sick to avoid eating her food, but she is always very insistent that I eat some. Almost every time I do, I end up in the bathroom in misery shortly thereafter. It’s made worse by the fact that she’s always really excited about whatever she cooks—she genuinely thinks she’s a good cook and that she’s treating me.

Given that she never picks up on the hints at all, how do I avoid eating her food without being the jerk?

I don’t know of any way to say, “Hey, actually, I don’t want to eat that because your food safety is lax and everything you cook is lowkey nasty” without seeming cruel. She’s also been very unreceptive to any advice I’ve tried to give her—she got upset a few weeks ago when I asked her not to eat two-week-old lobster that had been sitting on the counter for four hours and basically said, “ChatGPT said it’ll be fine.””

Another User Comments:

“Just sit her down and be like “Listen, I have to come clean… I’ve eaten your food a few times because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, but I have a VERY sensitive stomach and every time I’ve wound up with a terrible stomach ache, which isn’t your fault at all.

My stomach is just sensitive to certain/new foods. It’s really thoughtful of you to offer me some, but please don’t be hurt when I decline. It’s truly not personal. I think you’re a really kind person and I think it’s awesome that you enjoy cooking! But please don’t buy extra for me or take me into account when cooking. I’d prefer to eat on my own due to my sensitivities.” And then just leave it at that. Continue to politely decline and she’ll eventually take the hint.” anonymous9242163

Another User Comments:

“How many times have I read “No is a complete sentence”?

Well, here’s another time. “Thanks for offering, Sonya, but I don’t want to eat your [insert food stuff].” If you feel like you absolutely must add a reason, there are plenty you can pick from:
– I’ve already eaten.
– I’m planning to eat (random something) later and don’t want to spoil my appetite.
– I don’t like (random ingredient you saw her add).
– I’m allergic to (random ingredient you saw her add).
– I’m not hungry.
– I don’t feel like it.
– I prefer not to eat home-cooked food I haven’t prepared myself.
– I saw what you did to that piece of chicken and it’s kinda taken away my appetite.
– No. Your food hygiene is a bit suspect and I don’t want to eat it. USE YOUR WORDS!!!” WatchingTellyNow

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. However, I think it’s time for both your brain and your butt’s sake to be frank with your housemate about why you don’t wish to eat her food. Just keep it simple, like “Hey, I’d love to try your new recipe but I have a sensitive gut, and the last couple of times I’ve eaten your food it’s given me diarrhoea and vomiting; so I need you to step up and take the food hygiene seriously if we are to eat together.

If you can do that, I’d love to try something you make (explaining the what and why); otherwise, I can’t eat your food.” (Setting the boundary.) This leaves the ball firmly in her court. If it really means that much to her to cook for you, she’ll make the adjustments to her food safety. Otherwise, she knows that you won’t eat her food. I wouldn’t get involved in policing what she herself eats, though, unless it directly impacts the safety of your food; for example, her raw meat dripping on your ready-to-eat food in the fridge would be something you’d need to speak up about.” tucnakpingwin

“My (30s F) partner (30s M) and I originally agreed that we’d split our two-car garage—half for him, half for me. That never happened. He completely took over the entire space, and I’ve never had any room in there. It’s been a low-level point of resentment for me for a while.

Recently, he brought up the idea of building a shed in the backyard so he could clear out my side of the garage. I was on board, mostly because I just want to park my car in there and maybe have a bit of storage for holiday decorations, bikes, etc.

In my head, I assumed he meant a small, reasonable shed—maybe 8×8 feet with a couple of feet of clearance from the fence.

We’re also planning a garden in the backyard, so I built a few raised planter boxes and placed them in what I thought was a good spot that still left plenty of room for the shed.

Today, he came outside and said the planters couldn’t go where I put them because that’s where the shed is going. I was confused, since the planters are about 20 feet from the fence. It turns out he’s planning to build an 18×18-foot “shed” with five feet of space around it on all sides—which would take up more than a third of our entire backyard.

I was shocked and immediately said no—that’s way beyond what I agreed to.

He said, “Well, that’s what I need to clear out the garage.” (Side note: The garage is so cluttered it’s borderline hoarder-level, and he hasn’t actually used it as a workshop in over a year because there’s no space.)

When I asked if we could compromise on the size or if he could pare down some of his stuff, he said no. Then he said, “Well, I guess I’m not cleaning out the garage then.”

Now I feel kind of guilty for saying no to the shed, but I also feel like he completely blindsided me and expected me to just go along with something way more extreme than what we discussed.

AITJ for vetoing the shed?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

The problem isn’t insufficient space, it’s his unwillingness to live within the space available. If he doesn’t have space, he shouldn’t get more stuff or throw out an equivalent volume. I’ll bet that within a year or so of building the shed, he will refill your side of the garage. Then you will have no garage AND no yard. Your best bet may be to put a dividing wall down the center of the garage. He can keep anything he wants on his side. Anything stored on your side gets tossed.” CarpenterMom

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and please know this; it’s never too late to walk away.

Don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy. Look at how he treats you and your valid expectations for equity in the space you share. You started with an agreement of shared space, and he stole your side of the space. In order for you to get access to the space that you jointly share, he is demanding to take over a much larger space. He gets what he wants when he wants or he will rob you of your equity. That’s some REAL crap right there. That’s not partnership qualities/behaviour.” SmoochNo

Another User Comments:

“Yikes. He can’t have it his way so he won’t do anything?

That’s a gross way for him to view this. Does he often do that? His way or no compromise at all? He should feel guilty about stealing all your space from you, yet somehow he’s turned it around on you both in order to make you feel bad and so you don’t get any part of what you wanted at all? Are you familiar with DARVO? Look it up if you’re not. If you get a lot of DARVO then you should also look up signs of emotional abuse and manipulation. How is he making you feel bad for him taking your space and your garden from you? Really? NTJ.” Ok-Strawberry-4215

“I, 16(M), was just taking a religion exam, minding my own business, when our music teacher was the supervisor. I didn’t have any material for illicit exam assistance on me. I never pulled my hands under the table; both my hands were always visible, and I only looked at my paper or the board. But this man hates me, so he said, “If you finished your exam, give it to me, or there will be consequences. Stop looking left and right, etc.” So I felt pressured and gave my paper back about 20 minutes early (total given time was 40 minutes).

After class, I confronted him about it in front of a few people.

He told me I was lying, that he didn’t do that, and that I was trying to tarnish his name, and he gave me detention. So I informed the vice principal, and I was told I was in the wrong.”

Another User Comments:

“Bring both your parents in on this. If there’s anything that principals and teachers hate dealing with, it is parents. You did everything you could; now your parents can handle the rest. NTJ.” Gloomy_Lemon_4325

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but I think the better play would have been to keep taking the exam and deal with the consequences afterward.

You could have just been thinking about an answer, and there was nothing wrong with that. It would have been way easier to prove that he wronged you if he actually did, but instead, you gave your exam early by your own volition.” Pinkninja11

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This is a situation in which you need to involve your parents to speak to the head office. Not being given the same time to review your exam papers is a serious breach from the school’s point of view. The supervisor gave you no option but to hand it over and is now backtracking. You met resistance from the vice principal, as it’s easier to tell a student they’re wrong without recourse.

Have a talk to your parents regarding the issue.” Longjumping_Win4291

“My (16F) mother died two years ago. We’d always been very close, so as you can imagine, this devastated me. Around six months later, my father (47M) suddenly married S (31F) after he impregnated her. She very quickly moved into our house, and Dad told me to treat her like she was my own mother. Needless to say, I wasn’t thrilled. But to make it even worse, S has quite an authoritative personality. She thinks she can give me orders and expects me to obey, which has led to more than a few arguments between us.

Things only got worse after my half-brother (1M) was born.

I don’t love him; I view him as a constant reminder of my dad’s betrayal to my mom. But he keeps pushing me to spend more time with S and her son when I just want to avoid them as much as possible and pretend they’re not here.

Yesterday, Dad and S asked me to babysit my half-brother so they could go out for an evening together, as they haven’t had one since the baby was born. I said no, that it’s his illegitimate son and therefore his problem. He was angry and said that I can’t call my brother that.

I told him that he and S were not married when they conceived him, so calling him illegitimate is not an insult; it is the proper description. He angrily sent me to my room, and S called me a “jealous little jerk.”

Now they’re both angry at me because they weren’t able to go out for their evening together, and they expect an apology for the inconvenience I caused them. To be honest, I don’t think I should apologize. But just to make sure, I want to ask, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“You are only 16 and your precious mom died waaaay way too early.

I’m so sorry you are having such a rough time with the new situation that you have been forced into. It’s super rough on you. You shouldn’t be expected to babysit under these circumstances, in my opinion. However, it’s not the baby’s fault, but I think you’re smart enough to know that deep down. You’re not a jerk, you are a kid, a kid in real pain. I hope things get better for you. Have you got any relatives you could visit and talk to? Close friends? Or a school counselor?” BuyerHaunting4843

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

OP clearly wants to insult Dad, not baby, and baby has absolutely no idea what’s been said or what it means. Everyone saying she’s terrible for insulting a baby… he literally does not care in the slightest. I promise you his feelings are not hurt. I’m appalled by what the stepmother said. There is nothing my daughter could do that would make me call her a jerk, especially not to her face. If she expects to be treated like your mother, she needs to act like your mother. Words are just words. You didn’t hurt anyone, and your half-brother doesn’t give a crap.” GracefullyKara

Another User Comments:

“You’re using the word incorrectly.

It has nothing to do with when the child was conceived. NTJ for not wanting to babysit. He’s not your responsibility. I hope you can get over your hostility toward him, though, because none of this is his fault. Your father deserves your scorn for sure, not just for acting like your mother was an easily replaceable object instead of a person in her own right, but for allowing S to speak to you the way she does. Please make sure stuff like photos of your mother are safe, because those things are likely to disappear.” Veteris71

“I, F(24), am three months away from turning 25. And I am moving out of my parents’ house in a month. A little bit of context:

My mum had a life-threatening cardiac event a year ago. I am now trying to move out because I think it’s time I gained some independence, but I also just cannot live with overbearing parents anymore. It literally gives me physical stress, and I sacrifice a lot of my life in order to help out at home.

AITJ for leaving home even though my mum is technically fully recovered, she’s just dealing with the aftermath of the trauma?

She’s asking me to stay at home because this ‘isn’t the right time’ and she’s ‘asking for support,’ but she’s getting quite nasty about it and is just trying to guilt-trip me to no end.

I’ve kind of made up my mind that I’m leaving because I just can’t live here anymore. But I’m being made to feel so guilty, and I don’t know what to do. The flat is really nice and is only 15 minutes down the road, so I would be home at least once a week.

I’m failing to see the major problem. Please can I have reassurance/actual advice that this is the right thing? Thank you!”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I’m not going to go in depth with my response, so it may come across as harsh or cold. It is not my intention, but I can empathize and see where your mom is coming from. But this is toxic. She is being selfish and not respecting your autonomy. If she needs a caregiver or a therapist, which it sounds like she does, then she needs to seek out that professional help. It is not fair to dump it all on you and ask you to put your life on pause, especially if she is recovered.” vampiiremoney

Another User Comments:

“Prefacing with NTJ.

I had a similar issue with my own mother before I moved from NYC to TX last year (I’m 28 now, but was 27 during the move). We were extremely codependent and had an unhealthy, toxic relationship, and I realized I needed to leave and find my own way before I grew up fully dependent on her and her decisions. She would always tell me – as I was setting up to move – how alone she would be, and how much she would miss me, and how she would cry when I’m gone (which she still mentions to me when I call her). She has major depression and a few problems that she needs help with around the house, but my stepdad and other siblings are there to help, so I don’t worry about it much. I also think that while you were very generous to offer to visit once a week, I would exercise caution with this plan, as I fear your mother would become more forceful about the guilt tripping and contempt for your attempt to find some independence. Congratulations on moving out, by the way – or making up your mind to do so. My age suggests it’s not an easy feat, so I’m proud of you for doing it.” onenightheart

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – It sounds like your mother has recovered physically, even if she would like you to stay with her. This is a fine time to move out – and you’re not even moving very far!

These days – well, not just these days, in my own family the practice goes back a couple of generations at least – it would not be surprising or even deserving of criticism if you moved halfway around the world! Stand firm, move into your new apartment on schedule, and enjoy having your own home.” SavingsRhubarb8746

“We recently had a birthday dinner for my MIL, and all the family was there. SIL has a daughter who is 7 years old and my son is 4. We’ve only met them twice because she lives out of state, but they’re here for a week’s vacation. Her daughter is recently homeschooled, so they’re using this time to travel more.

The daughter had a stuffed toy that she left on the floor, which my son picked up and started playing with.

A little later, we heard her looking for it, so my son ran up to her and said “Here you go!” SIL’s daughter asked my son where he got it from in a really aggressive and accusatory tone, which immediately made him nervous, and he just told her he forgot while trying to thrust the toy into her hands. SIL’s daughter refused to take it and yelled, “But where did you get it?!” My son just kept saying he didn’t know as she was getting more and more frustrated. My FIL jumped in and told her it was on the floor. She just glared at him and said, “But I want HIM (my son) to tell me where he got it!”

I jumped in at this point and told my son to come to me. He can watch videos on my iPad right next to me. My SIL just basically rolled her eyes and told her daughter, “It doesn’t matter, girl.” About 20 minutes later, my son got tired of his videos and was playing in the TV room alone with his own toys. SIL’s daughter grabbed one of his toys and refused to give it to him, and she kept asking him, “Where did you find my stuffie?!” while saying that he needs to be punished because he’s a liar.

I took the toy from her, told her it’s not nice to yell at people—especially kids younger than her—and carried my son to the dining area with me while telling my SIL to get her daughter to stop harassing my son, as the daughter was screaming in the TV room “Where did you find it?! It’s a simple question!”

She basically told me that her daughter expects honesty and that she’s not going to punish her for wanting the truth. ... Click here to continue reading